This Is It

SEPTEMBER 22 2010 2103 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Well, this is it. The day finally came, and it is all over now. All of the stress, the strain, the heartache, the pain. It is all over now, and the funny thing about it all is I really do not know how I should feel at this point in life.

 

I keep looking back onto one point in particular, and that point being that I prayed to God for several years to bless me with another child. Now that I have been blessed, I allowed my gift to be taken away from me. Just the same as it was when I was a young boy. Everything that ever made me happy is eventually taken away from me. The blessing that God bestowed on me in the form of the child I waited for so long is no different. With that, I feel that I have failed God, and that truly saddens me. It honestly hurts, far worst than anything else I could ever experience. Still, I am grateful that I can still turn to God in prayer and seek his forgiveness of my shortfall in life. Because I did not intend to fail him, yet, by virtue of the circumstances, I have.

 

I also look upon the reasoning for my ending up in this situation in my life. To put things quite bluntly, I married my sex buddy. Just being truthful, I mean we were really nothing more than that, but I thought I could make something out of what really was not there to begin with. In that, I feel ashamed that I gave into my weakness and allowed myself to believe in something that should never have been. In the end, the relationship just simply did not exist, and that it totally my fault, for I should not have allowed myself to fall prey to the desires of my flesh. All things considered, we should have remained as we were, nothing more than casual sex, because that was really all we had.

 

I would say that I am angry, but I cannot be angry at anyone other than me. I was played like a fool because I played the fool. I did not stop to listen to what was going on around me, as I so enjoy telling other people to do. In short, I failed to take my own advise, which was advice that helped other people survive the very thing that I succumbed to. For that, I am really mad at myself, no one else but me.

 

Then I take a moment to look forward, towards to the future. I have tended to be one who is extremely visionary on my approach to life. Although I see a rough road in my immediate future, it is what lays beyond that road which inspires me the most. No, I am not going to have a whole lot of money to begin with, and indeed I am not going to have anything to offer anyone other than myself, which I know will not be good enough for most. It is but a small price to pay, but I feel will be well worth it in the long run. I am reading more, and learning as I do. Where most people settle for the romance novels and other fictional works of garbage, I am working on educating my mind, my heart, my spirit, and my physical being. I may be down, but I am far from over.

 

So this is it, yet another one. 1993, 2001 and now 2010. Dare I even consider doing it again? I am not sure. It is not looking as such at this point in time, but I have discovered that some things are not in my sphere of control. Well, that is yet to be determined, but in the mean time, three up, three down. I failed yet again.

Life Sucks Without Transportation

AUGUST 29 2010 1510 JACKSONVILLE FL - I don't care what anyone tries to say, not havinga car when you've become so dependent on one is pure murder.

Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with public transportation, as it does fill a need; however, it is times like these, when I have a dead line to be at a certain venue, and the bus is just not going to cut it for me, that I start to really miss the luxury of having my own transportation.

See, as it stands, I am reduced to relying on the availability of others, and of course this makes me feel as if I am a burden on others. For me, that is less than acceptable. I would much rather have the ability to rely on myself, as I've grown so used to doing.

Still, all things considered, it is my fault. I should have done everything in my power to ensure I would never be without my own transportation, but I instead opted to sacrifice of my own for the sake of the comfort of others. I am perhaps the biggest fool that I know. I now know why a lot of black men take a "Fuck You" attitude when it comes to helping others out. After being jerked around for many years, who can blame them? Yet,here I am, Mr. Glass Half Full, Dr. Silver Lining, the Artist Formerly Know As Common Sense. Yep, I have to be the one who goes against the grain. Instead of taking the road most traveled, I opt to slice through the underbrush of the road least traveled by.

Well, it is not looking as if I am going to make this dead line, so I may as well just go home. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to build onto my savings that will eventually yeild me another car, Good Lord Willing. In the mean time, life will just have to keep sucking without transportation.

Briefly Breaking The Funk

AUGUST 14 2010 2147 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I decided that I would do something special for a person who I have neglected for a fairly long period of time. For several months I have focused on the needs of everyone one else, and placed the needs of this person aside, for I felt this person could wait while the needs of the rest of the world - so to speak - were attended to. Yeah, that was a smart idea, and really smart idea, and I say that with extreme sarcasm. So I decided that I would stop taking this person for granted, and do something special today.


Now I am hoping that it should not take a rocket scientist to figure out that the person I am talking about is me. That's right, me, little ole me. Between work and church, and friends, and family, and oh whatever, I - me - have simply put myself on hold. I would come in the house, and go straight to the bed room - my lowly, empty and lonely bed room  - where the only voice to offer me any comfort and escape from the stark reality of my miserable existence is that of Delilah on the radio. Indeed, if not for Delilah, depression would have gotten the best of me. Of course, my Bible and my prayers also help immensely to keep me from drifting into a bout of fatal depression, and as long as I have God in my life, I know I can maintain.


Still, I needed to do something to treat myself today. I am going to be honest, with Student Loans, Child Support, utilities, telephone, and other fiscal obligations, I really don't have any kind of liquidity in my finances; however, I realize that at time a person needs to make a little space in the budget to treat himself, even if it is only something as simple as a movie. That is what I did today, as I decided to go to the Tinseltown Movie Theater and see a movie today. I was not sure of which one until I arrived and ready the marquee.


I elected to see The Other Guys which starred Mark Wallburg and Will Ferrell. I am going to say that I was pleasantly surprised with the movie. After they killed off Samuel L Jackson and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, the movie took on a very interesting life. Mark Wallburg - a cop seeking another chance - and Will Ferrell - a victim of a massive identity crisis - set out to solve what should have been a simple permit issue, but instead ballooned into a major international ponzi scheme. The movie had me laughing in several parts, and I felt it was well directed. All in all, it was well worth the $25 (counting concessions) spent today, and I honestly needed it. I went by myself, no one else in tow, and I had a wonderful time. Best of all is the fact that I was not stuck in the house all day planning a pity party, or something crazy like that.

Fighting loneliness is difficult at best, and I know that there are going to be times when I have to bite the bullet and just deal with it. Still, when the opportunity permits, it is really good to take a pause for the cause, and that cause being me. If I do not take time to show myself some love, in this crazy world in which we live, who else will?

A Tale of Two Me's

AUGUST 5 2010 2333 - JACKSONVILLE FL - An excellent musical talent by the name of Smokey Robinson once recorded a song called Tears of a Clown, which spoke volumes to me, especially in my emotional state. Indeed, it speaks even more so to me in my present state. I guess you can say I am in a Smokey state of mind.

 

 

Each day I get up and I paint on a smile, and begin my day. I wear that smile and pretend that nothing is really bothering me, but deep down inside I know that I am lying to myself and those who are closest to me. At work, I laugh, and smile and play the role of the man who is so in control, when in actuality I am dying on the inside.

 

 

I think is was a gentleman by the name of Kenneth "Baby Face" Edmonds who said it best when he wrote the lyric, "I am dying inside, and nobody knows it but me". So I play the role of the corporate cheerleader, when deep inside I am falling deeper and deeper into a pit of woe. I walk with a bounce in my step when I really feel like dragging my feet.

 

 

There are times when I can be seen looking out the window, and that serves a dual purpose. Through the window I observe the people walking by, the cloudless sky, all of the joys in life. Conversely, as I stand by the window, indeed do I contemplate what I would consider should the window be able to open.

 

 

You know, I have honestly not had a dream in more than 4, maybe 5 months. Now where that may not mean much to you, it is virtually devastating to me. For me, a dream is a ray of hope. With that thought in mind, would not being dreamless indeed make me hopeless? Am I hopeless? Am I useless? What, or who am I?

 

 

So, here we are. Where do I go from hear. I actually entertained a notion of taking a personal pilgrimage, but just where to. Of that, I have not decided. Should I do so, how will I eat? Where will I sleep? How do I make money? Will I need money? Does diet Dr. Pepper actually taste like regular Dr. Pepper? Where's the Beef? Who really knows? I sure don't at this moment. Life can be so complicated.

 

 

Welcome August

AUGUST 1 2010 1738 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Today was interesting to say the least. I went to church as usual, and with this being the first Sunday of the month, today was our Holy Communion Service. Today was also a day on which the Mass Choir Sang, but I withdrew and took my place in the congregation instead. 

The Music Minister was not very happy to see me sitting in the congregation, but I told him that I would speak with him after church to explain what was going on. As it turns out I was not the only choir member in the congregation, as one of our best Altos - not the one who was the fuel for my decision - also sat out the service just as she'd done during our church anniversary.  If that does not speak to an emotional imbalance in the Mass Choir, then I don't know what does. 

I talked with the Minister of Music after service and I communicated my concern to him, you know, the back biting, and the under cover tension, the people who think they are the choir and no one else is. Basically a few crows are trying to keep the Cardinals from adding a little color to this dreary land. I told the Minister of Music that I'd felt that before and it is what caused me to pull away from the choir at that time as well. I also told him that it is causing me not to actively participate by offering suggestions that would otherwise help the entire choir better relate the music. 

The Minister of Music respected my position, but did express his feelings about my value to the choir, which was clearly evident today and the Tenor Section could barely be heard, causing one of the female tenors (an Alto converted to a Tenor) to over compensate and thus throwing the song slightly off key. This was a church choir singing for the congregation, so I am certain that not many in the congregation was able to tell when the Tenor went flat, but I sure heard it. Now, we cannot fault the Female Tenor, for she was doing her best to save the part, but the honest bottom line is when I am in the stands, she - the Female Tenor - is able to sing more naturally because my booming voice pretty much carries the Tenor Section, and that is something that the Minister of Music - in not so many words - conveyed to me today.  

Listen, I do enjoy singing, and I truly love singing as a member of the choir; however, and as I have said before, I Don't Want To Be Where I Am Needed, I Need To Be Where I Am Wanted. If I wanted to deal with Back Stabbers, I would have joined the O'Jays. At this point there is a hand full of people in the choir who feel they can run others down. In many cases they may not do it verbally, goodness knows before he conversation I had with the Alto last week nobody so much as said anything directly to me, but I can read body language, and goodness knows there is a lot of body language when I offer any suggestion in the Mass Choir. That is why I feel it best to just do my thing with the Male Chorus. Guys are generally straight with guys, women on the other hand tend to be a little more underhanded in their activities.

Well enough of that. I arrived home, apartment still hotter than an oven on broil, and I am unable to activate the AC for fear that an electrical short may spark a fire. I've told the leasing office no less than 4 times, and I even emailed the corporate office. Heck, when I paid my rent online today I communicated to the corporate office again that I am not satisfied. I am trying to keep the kid gloves on, but to be honest, they are compelling me to break out the big guns. Trouble is, when I take this next step, my apartments leasing agency is going to do everything in their power to evict me. You know, I am really no stranger to being a sacrificial lamb if it means that the person taking this apartment after me will not have to be subject to the same bullshit that I am being subjected to at this moment. I mean honestly, how many times do I have to tell these retards to change out a circuit breaker? If I hired my own electrician and sent the bill to the leasing company, they would not be very happy with me; however, the summer is only getting hotter and I am suffering more and more every day. I hate to be an ass about it, but they really have my back against a wall, and I am left with no other option than to punch my way out.

I Can't Do It, I Just Can't

JULY 27 2010 0626 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Experience, I have found, is in fact a really good teacher. For it is due to our experiences that the more critical lessons in life are learned. Unfortunately, our past experiences often taint the waters of our future endeavors, thus making a prospective encounter the unknowing beneficiary of the negativity stemming from those previous experiences. Have I completely lost you yet? Good, that means you and I are on the same road, at least.

 

Remember I discussed an emotional issue that I experienced recently where I was compared to a child? Well, we know that which is generally observable to us is nothing more than the tip of the iceberg, and is but a prelude to that which lies beneath the surface.

 

In talking with a trusted friend, someone whom I have come to be able to honestly confide in, we discussed my concerns over the encounter. I did not go into a great deal of detail, but my very perceptive friend filled in the blanks that I did not even outline. Usually when that happens, I know that it is God revealing a message to me through a medium from which he knows I will find the information acceptable. My friend said to me that the other person, who we shall just call "The Alto", may have her eyes set on me as something more than a friend. That would have been fine, and to be honest, if this were 3 years ago I would have considered taking our friendship to that level because I do care very deeply for her. The problem is this is not 3 years ago, and between then and now, I endure the experience of Paula, which forever tainted my perception of all Black Women, and caused me to consider their motives to be suspect.

 

See, the Alto mentioned about how she allowed people to move into her house while they were "Getting On Their Feet", and I - and even indeed my trusted friend did as well - saw that gesture to be an offer from the Alto to move into her house with her. That is what I did with Paula oh 3 years ago, and the end result was my being forced out of her (Paula's) house with nowhere to go, no transportation, and just a few trash bags full of what clothing I could grab as I escaped the emotionally devastation of living within Paula's domain. In short, because of my experience with Paula, I cannot take an offer from any black woman - regardless of credibility - to move into her house. One bad experience just seeded my resolve toward others who may even have my best interest at heart. As I told my trusted friend, I would resign myself to living in a shelter before I consider moving into the house of another black woman ever again.

 

My trusted friend also said to me that the Alto likes me, and is interested in me as more than a friend. Indeed my trusted friend even went as far as suggesting that the Alto may be interested in a relationship with me. Although the Alto is a nice person, I must be honest with myself. At this point in my life I am what many would call damaged goods. I am neither emotionally, nor spiritually prepared for another relationship at this point. To become involved in another relationship would lead to the emotional end of me, and I am not prepared to take that step. The Alto and I have been friends since 1999, so we are talking more than 11 years at this point, and it has been said that the best relationships often begin with a friendship. Under normal circumstances, that would have been sufficient to justify my considering a relationship with the Alto; however, the Paula experience forever sealed the door to that option as well. See, Paula and I became friends in 2000, and we did not escalate to a more interpersonal relationship until 2006. Needless to say, we all know the outcome of that endeavor. Because of the Paula Experience, I cannot even consider opening myself up to the Alto as anything other than merely a friend. That is a shame, because I know that I am most likely losing out on what could be a good thing in life. The Alto comes from a great family, and she is every bit of what her wonderful mother - God Bless The Dead- was in life. The problem is not her, it is me. Because of my experience with Paula, indeed a legacy of emotion pain for me, I have changed my entire perception of interpersonal relationships. At this point in life, I can no longer allow the door to my heart to open for any black woman.

 

Will my perspective change in the future? It has been said that time heal all wounds. Still there are some wounds that are so deep that they actually cut to the bone. Those wounds take much longer to heal, if they ever really heal at all. Perhaps I have suffered what amounts to an emotional amputation, where a portion of my emotional self was cut away for the sake of protecting me from the cancer of emotional pain caused by others. I am not sure if I will ever walk that road again. I have said in the past that I am considering looking beyond the wall of my race in search of a relationship with someone who understands me. Where I was once standing solidly in the center of the fence, I now find that I am leaning heavily to the other side, meaning considering dating outside of my own race. Heck, people of my own race have told me that I act white, so, when in Rome, I guess I should do what the Romans do.

Oh That Man In The Mirror

JULY 24 2010 1910 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I have been doing a little reflecting lately, kind of looking at myself in retrospect as if through the mirror of my life to this point in my life. I know, scary proposition if I do say so myself. Still, I took a deeply inquiring look at myself, and one thing sticks out vividly, as if one thousand stars suddenly increased in brilliance. 

As I looked at myself, I began to realize that I have been living my life not for the sake of myself, but more so on the basis of the opinions of others. In an effort to be accepted, I walked this micro-thin line of being liked, or wanting to be liked.

It is as is everything I do had to, at least from my perspective, meet the approval of those who were around me, otherwise I felt as if I was not liked, and even worst, not accepted. From the time I was a child, seeking my mother's confirmation that I did a good job - whether the job was good or not- all the way into my adult life where I look to my manager to seek his approval of the kind of job I am doing at work. 

In the college marching band I had to prove that - if I were not the best trumpet player - that I was the strongest trumpet player. If I was not the best dancer, then I was the hardest marcher. I was constantly out to prove to others that I was worth something, what ever that something was, when I all really needed to do was prove to myself that I was what I expected myself to be.

As hard as this pill is to swallow, the facts are the facts. In an effort to justify my worth to others, I lost sight of the one person who mattered the most in my life, I lost sight of me. You know, of all the people who walk out of our lives, to allow self to walk out is the greatest tragedy any person can experience in a lifetime.

Now, I know you are wondering why I am discussing this topic. Well, the answer is quite simple. God gave me a spiritual wake up call today. We had a funeral at my church today, and I rushed to arrive at the church by 9:50 AM for a funeral I thought began at 10:00 AM. As fate would have it, the service was actually at 11:00 AM, so I was more than an hour early. I decided to play around on the piano in the choir room. As you may be aware - or perhaps not - but I recently began teaching myself to play piano, and I've felt great about my level of progress. I can hold chords in the left hand and play the melodic lines in the right hand, and to me that is a major accomplishment because for the first time in 45 years I am actually getting the hang of playing the piano. So I sit at the piano, and start to pick out "Oh Danny Boy" which most people know as "He Looked Beyond My Faults" or most recently "You Raised Me Up" (same melody and chord progressions, just different lyrics for each). As I tried to feel the song out, one of the altos, who also arrived early, made a comment that I was murdering the hit, which is to say that I sounded terrible. Of course it was expected for me to sound terrible, after all I am still a beginner on the piano, and it was the first time I attempted that melody. What was funny was that she did not have a comment when I played "Create In Me A Clean Heart" or "Lean On Me" for that matter, both of which were melodies I'd practiced countless times since I began learning the piano. Anyway, we got into a discussion about my abilities, and she compared me to her 8 year old grand son who plays the piano very well. Now to put things into perspective, the 8 year old grand son had been learning how to play piano from the church's minister of music, and he had more than a 2 year head start on me. I just started teaching myself piano less than 2 months ago. Well, this alto thought it would be funny to embarrass me in front of one of the guest soloists by talking about a perceived arrogance. At that point I discovered just how I have matured emotionally.

The older me, from as much as a couple of years ago, would have reacted by withdrawing from that which brings me a great deal of pleasure, music. The older me would have locked on the alto's reference to my inability, taken it personal, and stopped attending choir rehearsal and perhaps church in search of someone who would have accepted me. But I am not that person from a couple of years ago. Indeed I am not the same person I was 6 or even 3 months ago. I recognized that the alto was merely displacing her own short coming by attacking my progress in an attempted to demean me. Crabs in the pot syndrome. It was the clearest indication of all that I had transcended to a level of intelligence which far surpassed that of her's. Now, don't get me wrong, this lady is intelligent, extremely intelligent. She is a great reader, and very studious, and she has all of the articulation of 6 years of post secondary education; however, I am a student of the teachings of people like Howard Gardner, Daniel Goleman, and now Stephen Covey, and I know that there is more to intelligence than mere academic intelligence. When I say that I have transcended to a level of intelligence far beyond that of her's, I was speaking from the perspective of Emotional Intelligence, which is a totally different dimension in intelligence and self awareness. She may destroy me from an academic sense, but she falls short in the realm of emotions.

This alto is a good friend, and one I care deeply about. Because of that, I think I am going to mention the two books - Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey - to her. I feel it will shed a light to her as to why I am now the way that I am. I also feel it will open up another dimension of who she is to her. Or at least at a minimum I will recommend an E-Book on Emotional Fine Tuning to get her started.

I am amazed at the change I am experiencing, and the knowledge I am gaining form reading into the world of my emotions. I am finding it to be as therapeutic as it is rewarding. Now that I am armed with this knowledge, I am able to realize that it does not matter what others think, God gave me the talent he did when he did, and it is up to me to make the best use of them. I am not hear to please the masses, just the father.

Those Last Words

JULY 23 2010 1920 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Living a solitary lifestyle offers many advantages. There is very little stress, no unreasonable demands, the ability to do what you want, when you want, for as long as you want, and no one is there to judge your actions. Perhaps the greatest of all merits of a solitary lifestyle is the ability to simply think and contemplate life and its overall meaning.

 

You may already be aware that I've been reading a book dealing with the subject of Emotional Intelligence, which was written by Daniel Goleman. The publication was a journey in and of itself, and indeed one that I was desperately in need of taking. Without a doubt, Daniel Goleman's book opened my eyes to aspects about me that I would have not previously considered. The book also prepared me for the book that I am reading now, which is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, this one written by Stephen Covey.

 

As I did with Daniel Goleman, I am finding Stephen Covey to be deeply insightful, and incredibly thought provoking. As I read chapter 2 of Mr. Covey's book, I happened across a section where he challenged us to visualize our own funeral. Now, don't be alarmed, but when I was in high school more than 25 years ago, I wrote a short story entitled Witnessing My Own Funeral. So, the thought introduced by Mr. Covey was actually something that I touched on earlier in my life, but just not to the extreme that Mr. Covey wanted his readers to visualize.

 

See, Mr. Covey wants his readers to imagine they were sitting on the front pew of the church, looking at their body in the coffin. That I did. Now sitting next to me was my Brother - representing my family -, my Pastor - representing my church-, my manager - representing my work -, my Band Director - representing my education -, and my son Barry who was someone I've never seen before, but he represented my children.  Now, the thing about these people who were sitting next to me, at my funeral, is that one of them is charged with delivering my eulogy. The question is mind is not so much of why were they chosen to deliver the eulogy, as it was what it is I  would want them to say about me in my eulogy.

 

What kind of brother am I? What kind of son was I to my mother and father? What kind of cousin have I been? Could my brothers count on me when the going got rough?

 

What kind of Christian am I? Did I walk the walk of faith, or was I merely on a perpetual journey in the wilderness? Who did I help? Who did I extend Christian charity to? Was my life like that of Christ, or was it like that of Job? Was my living in vain?

 

What kind of worker was I? Could I be counted on? Was I supportive of the cause, or in it for myself? Did I actually earn all that I was paid for?

 

What kind of student was I? Did I stop learning once the books were closed? Did I seek to share that which I learned with those who needed to benefit of my knowledge? Did I do all that I could do the learn all that I could learn in an effort to be all that I could be?

 

What kind of father was I. Could my children say with every degree of confidence that I was there for them physically, spiritually, emotionally? Could my children say that through it all, they are glad that I loved them completely? Was I understanding, or harsh and demanding? Was I the example that my children gladly elected to pattern themselves after?

 

What would I want people to say about me at my funeral? Everybody wants to make a positive impact on the lives of those whom he or she encounters. Indeed I am no different. My desire is a simple one, and that is to leave a lasting legacy of positivity. I am not perfect, and I will not be the one to ever pretend to be; however, I also know with all my heart that I am not a failure in life, despite my numerous short comings. So, what am I doing at this point in my life to ensure that the difference I am making matters?

 

Am I reaching out to be a helper and not a hinder to those whom I encounter in my life?

Am I loving with my actions, instead of falling victim to my emotions?

Am I being a real friend, instead of a fake associate?

 

I could probably go on forever, but the simple truth is no one has forever. The fact of the matter is I, like many before me, am going to die at some point in the future. When that day comes, how will those when knew me eulogize me? On the day of the funeral, it would be a little too late to change the opinions of those who may be tasked with delivering those last words about me.

Preparing To Face Loneliness

JULY 19 2010 2051 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I life I find that I am led to encounter many things as I journey down this long road. Perhaps nothing is greater of an encounter than that of preparing to face loneliness. Just the utter realization that one if completely alone. That is where I am at this point in my life.

I spoke with my daughter today, and she revealed the good news that she was preparing to move in less than a week. Less than 7 days, and my daughter with move to another part of the city. Now I know that should not be such a tragedy to me, if not for one simple fact. Since the day of my break up with my wife, it was my daughter who made sure I would have a place to lay my head down, and a place to call my home. Ok, and there is the aspect of the security of feeling that I developed just knowing that my daughter was walking distance from my apartment. There I could see my grand children anytime I wanted to. I could hang out with my son in law. Yes, I am the father, but with the knowledge of the close proximity of my daughter, well that gave me a secure feeling. They are not moving out of the city, but they are moving to the other side of town, and as a result, I am being left, alone.

The stark reality is that for the first time in 45 years, I am going to be in a position where I am completely and utterly alone. I am going to be honest, it is not the most comforting of feelings. I have been through much in life - from the fire when I was 12 to the near drowning in El Centro, and even to the life or death situations like nearly getting blown  off of the flight deck of the USS Ranger - still, for the first time in my entire life I am left to walk this road completely alone.

Yep, just me. I have distanced myself from my friend and Ex-Lover Yolanda. She is engaged, and she does not need someone like me adding confusion to her situation. I still log onto Facebook, but even that offers precious little solace when I ponder the notion that I am actually, officially lonely.

This is the season of my wilderness experience, and what a dark wilderness it is indeed. I walk, every step an exercise in faith, but still I walk deeper and deeper, and this time alone. I know there is a reason, a purpose, a destiny for me, albeit I am not sure of just what the purpose, reason or destiny are at this particular moment in my life. I just pray that God will open my eyes to what ever it is. I am a mess, a real mess. I've suffered three failed marriages, which means that I am a problem. Even if I do not know what the problem is, I am, no I must be a problem. Now, the questions is how best to fix the problem that is me? A quick fix is not going to do it. I need to completely tear myself down and rebuild from the inside out. What is interesting is that no one seems to be willing to share with me just what it is that is contributing to my short comings, so I am honestly operating on autopilot.

I think if there is any comfort, it is in the knowing that I am not the first person who God has gotten alone. From what I read in the Bible, God gets people alone when he wants their undivided attention. Perhaps it is my turn, and God has something to give to me. Only time will tell. I do know that I said to God that I really don't want to be alone, but never the less, it is not my will, but God's will that must be done. If I am to be alone as part of his divine will for me, then I am ready to be alone. It may be for my own good, but regardless, being alone takes a lot of getting used to.

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

JULY 8 2010 2132 - JACKSONVILLE FL- Here I am. In solitude, mind wander randomly from thought to thought. Should I log onto Facebook? What about Twitter instead? Perhaps I need to allow my fingers to do the walking on my keyboard, and come up with another song. Everything is just one humongous blob of uncertainty at this point in life.

 

I started reading again, after a multiple year sabbatical, and ironically I elected to choose books from the self-help reference section of the book store, instead of my usual military and political fiction novels. Sorry Tom Clancy, maybe next time. At this moment I am reading a book authored by Daniel Goleman dealing with Emotional Intelligence, and I must admit that I find the book to be rather interesting.

 

I've entertained Howard Gardner's theories on Multiple Intelligence, which touched on things like Musical Intelligence, Inter and Intra-personal Intelligence, Spatial Intelligence, just to name a few. At no time did I read where Howard Gardner dealt, in any degree, with Emotional Intelligence. In fact, it was not until management at work began talking about Emotional Intelligence that I decided I needed to learn a little more about it.

 

Now, have been reading the book for a couple of weeks off and on, and I am discovering a lot about me just by reading the book. Indeed, others fail to understand me because I am in touch with my emphatic nature. So many people believe that a man should not be in touch with his emotions, but I am going to be frank, I am very glad that I am in touch with the emotional side of who I am.

 

The book is an interesting read, and I personally feel everyone should seek to gain a deeper understanding of Emotional Intelligence. Believe me when I say, it is really helping me a lot. I now understand why I chose the actions I did when my Ex-WIfe, and yes, I am calling her my Ex-Wife because honestly the marriage is over. Indeed the marriage was flawed from day one. Anyway, at the times my Ex-Wife attacked me, I would sink into silence, and Daniel Goleman indicated that is a normal action for a man who feels he is being flooded by interpersonal attacks. To say she could have benefited from reading this book, instead of listening to Charlie Robinson, and Peterson President would be an understatement. Well, I can not compel her to do anything she is not willing to do. The only thing I can do is focus on the person who matters the most at this point, and that person is me.

 

A lot is about to happen within the next few weeks. Provided I can get the money together, and the time off from work, she and I have a mediation session in less than 7 days. I will attend, but you all know my stand, especially if you have been following my Blog thus far. At this point, I don't care if I am rendered penniless at the hands of her greedy lawyer, as far as I am concerned, she can have what ever material things make her happy. My life is heading in a different direction now, and I just have to follow the path that life is laying before me.

 

Hard to believe, I am on the brink of a massive defeat, and ironically I am OK with it, I am I am honestly at peace with it. Why worry about that which I cannot change, or that which I am powerless to stop. There are grander things to focus on, better prizes to look forward to. To lean on the logic of Mr. Kahlil Gibran would be for me to see that my pending defeat as merely nothing more than a blessed victory. That is not so hard to see. Satan, Lucifer, Thomas Treece, what ever you want to call him these days may take all of my money, my place to live, my job, my clothes, and my other material goods, but what the Devil cannot take away is my spirit, and my love for God. As long as I have those two things in my life, then I have a victory, indeed a blessed victory. I look at it in this way, Paul was thrown into Prison a few times, but he was not discouraged, because since he encountered Jesus on the road to Damascus, Paul had peace of mind. That is where I am in live. Even if I have to resort to living on the streets, or going home to be with my brothers, I am still blessed. It is not the material things in life that make me happy. Testimony to that fact is this, Paula made sure I would not have a motor vehicle, but God said that I will have transportation. Now through the bus, I have made several new friends, oh the blessings of a fulfilling life, I love it.

 

Come now friends, let's open a dialogue. Feel free to add your comments, but do me a favor, try your best to comment in English if possible. I don't mind translating, but it is easier to carry on a quality conversation when we are all speaking a common language.

 

Orbiting The Olive Tree

MAY 30 2010 0555 - JACKSONVILLE FL - There was a break in the tension on yesterday, May 29, 2010. I really don't know what to make of it. Should I trust in the prospect, or should I continue to remain cautious and on guard for another possible attack.

 

As it turns out, my soon to be Ex-Wife was admitted to the hospital for preclampsia. Of course, as a result of that, the baby she was pregnant with had to be delivered a month earlier than scheduled. I guess it was either that, or she would have died, so the doctors did what they had to do.

 

She sent me a picture via text message, but I elected not to look at it. I was not permitted to be part of the pregnancy, so I do not feel spiritually connected to the baby. Ironically, it will be that way until the day that I die. It is not the child's fault, but I am a soul who requires a spiritual connection which those who I accept as family. As it stands, the child is blood, nothing more, nothing less.

 

I responded to her text message, and we exchanged several texts. There was no real deep substance to the text message, just that we communicated over the course of perhaps 15 minutes. 

 

I really don't know how I should feel. At this point I am extremely indifferent. My entire life has been my placing my trust in one person or another only to be the one who is hurt in the process. I have given so much of me, and I am at the point that I really do not feel there is anything left to give. I mean, I want to let my guard down, but I fear the ramifications of such an action. How do I know that she is not waiting for me to lower my guard just enough for her lawyer to do serious damage to me. They are already taking $900 a month from me, and I am barely able to survive as it is. No, at this point it is not wise to let my guard down.

I can not say that I am happy, neither can I say that I am sad. I can only say that I am content at this point in time. I am still feeling that there is a need for life change, and as such I am placing my trust in God to provide me with the guidance and direction regarding that life change. I do not know what it is, nor do I know when to expect it, I only know that I should expect it. Life, at times, is such a convoluted mess.

Middle Of May And All Is OK

MAY 17 2010 0712 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Well, so here we are. More than half way through the month of May, and nearly half way through the year. It is so amazing that these years are just seeming to slip by barely noticed. I think it has a lot to do with my present age, but then again, what do I know.

 

I decided I would check out Robin Hood over the weekend, and so I did on Saturday May 15th. I am going to say this. Although I know many will not agree with me, I thought the movie was poorly directed, and verging on boring at times. In fact, I felt the movie was so boring that I found myself nodding off at times. There is nothing like a long and boring movie to put people to sleep. It is no wonder why Iron Man 2 completely ran over Robin Hood in the box office this weekend.

 

Yesterday was a church day, and the service was wonderful. It was our Youth Sunday, and the kids usually put on a great service. Of course the highlight was a dance routine by the Brothers Through Christ, which is our church's all male praise dance team. Those your men are super talented, and I tell there leader constantly that they really need to keep it up, because they are the foundation that will inspire the younger boys to pursue positive endeavors as well. We, our church, played host to the Allen Christian Fellowship, but due to system related issues, we were forced to cut that short. Still, it was an excellent day to be in the house of the Lord.

 

Now, for the event that irritated me on yesterday. As I was walking towards the bus station, I passed this vagabond, who just happened to be white. He asked how I was doing, to which I said I am fine, and I kept walking. That was when the fool said "You got any money My Nigger". Now, I could have just jammed my foot down his throat at that point, but I opted to give him a stern warning. I said to him "You need to watch your mouth, and I am not Your Nigger". That should have been it, right? One would think, but the fool continued to fan the flames by saying "I Asked You A Question" and before he could finish his sentence I said to him "I don't care what you were doing. You need to watch your mouth, and I am not YOUR NIGGER". Evidently he was not as dumb as I thought him to be, because he was smart enough to take my second warning and shut the heck up. There was not to be another warning, for my next action would have been to beat him so badly that the paramedics would have needed a spatula to scrape him up off of the group. I am the kind of person who believes in giving two warnings before I strike.

 

I don't know why there are so many stupid people in America, but I am on a personal crusade to let them know that I do not agree with their overall lack of intelligence. Where most would turn the other cheek, or tuck tail and flee like a frightened dog, I on the other hand am not afraid to show that I am willing to bite if need be. That idiotic vagabond almost found that out first hand. One of these days I am going to discover why it is that people seem to think I am something to play with all the time. Well, my name is not Milton Bradley, and I am not kin to the Parker Brothers. Times out for the games people.

First Day Of May

MAY 1 2010 0918 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Here we are, the first day of May in the year of our Lord 2010. Tell me this year is not just running away from us. Before we know it, summer will be upon us. Truly amazing.

 

So, just what has been going on with me. Well, let me start with yesterday, being the last day of April 2010. I went to a Physical Therapy appointment, at 7:00 AM in the morning. Yes indeed, talk about a long day for me. Anyway, I thought the session went very well. For one of the exercises, the Therapist asked me to march in place. I was like No Problem at all. So I did what she asked, and I hit them with some of those Snap-N-Drive EWC Tiger 90's. Needless to say, they were very impressed, and even commented that I ought to be their marching instructor. God is really good, for he made sure that my pure marching form is returning. Wow, I miss those days of popping 90's on the football field. Well, those days are gone, but it sure felt good to know that I still have then ability.

 

Today is moving day for me. I am actually just moving from one apartment to another, but still it is moving day. I am waiving goodbye to this 2 Bedroom Townhouse, and moving into a smaller 1 Bedroom 1 Bath apartment. The main reason for the move is obvious, I have to position myself for survival seeing that my ex-wife is going to try to destroy me financially. You know, Black women tend to complain when Black men date and marry White women, but I am going to be really honest with you, Black women do not know how to respect Black men. Most Black women get a good Black man, and she does everything to make his life miserable, regardless of how good that Black man treats her. White women, on the other hand are raised with better esteem, and tend to realize that respect is reciprocal. Most White women give respect when they get respect, and give respect to get respect. That is what is lacking in most Black women of our present day.

 

Why did I make that statement about Black men and White women? Well, for years I have considered dating outside of my race. I did not act on it because Black Women used guilt to convince me to stay within my own race. So I would continue to date Black Women, and continue to get stepped on by Black Women. That can not continue to occur in my life. I have reached a point where I am just sick and tired of being played a fool so some Black Woman can look good in the eyes of her friends. Basically, the bullshit flag has been raised, and now I am looking in other directions.

 

Believe me, I would like nothing better than to maintain faith in my Black Women, but let's be realistic here for a moment. You have two people, both making $35000 per year, and were able to survive on their own. The two get married, thus creating a combined income of more than $70000, and all of a sudden bills are hard to meet, and there is not enough money to handle the basic bills? Something is wrong with that picture, wouldn't you say? That means that one person, or the other, was spending money on things that did not matter in the family. In other words, one person, or the other assumed that $70000 per years meant that she could spend money on anything she wanted. So, what became the end result? Well I am having to pay the IRS $2500 plus a $65 under payment penalty because I had to adjust my payroll deductions to M9 (Married plus 9 Dependents) just to be sure that we had sufficient money coming into the house each month. Even with that, the bills became unmanageable. Since I have been living on my own, I am finding that I am able to balance my finances very well. See, I am not one who lives on or desires superfluous items, all I need are the basics. Things like food, lights, clothing, water, bus transportation are all that I need to live and be happy. My father was a frugal kind of man, and I thank God that I got that from him. Now because I am able to find a balance, that reveals one key fact, that fact being I am not the one who was wreaking havoc with the family finances. Simple process of elimination.

 

So, why was the discussion about family finances important? For the same reason as the discussion about Black Men and White Women was. In many cases, most White Women know how to balance a family budget, where as most Black Women don't. When it comes down the family finances in the eyes of a White Women, it is a team effort, and they talk to their partners in depth about how best to balance the budget. Black Women keep secrets when it comes to money. Black Women only tell their partners what they want them to know, and then get mad when the money gets tight. White Women use the Zig Ziggler approach when it comes to spending, as they identify the Want, the Need, and the DBM (Dominate Buying Motive), and from there most White Women typically spend based on the need. Black Women, on the other had, spend based on the want, and then they conceal what they spent the money on, and blame the spouse or partner when the money runs out. So, in my case, had I elected to date and marry outside of my race before I married Paula, I would probably not be in the situation I am in now. One can best believe that Paula represents the last straw when it comes to dating, or marrying Black Women. From this point on, a Black Woman is nothing more to me than a mere cuddy buddy, no relationship, just a simple hit it and quit it. My next serious relationship will not be with a Black Woman. If this makes Black Women mad at me, too bad, you really should learn how to treat a Black Man, and perhaps so many of us would not consider dating women of other races.

Creative Writing: Think The Grass Is Greener?

APRIL 27 2010 2339 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I drifted into one of my creative writing moods again. This usually occurs after I come up with a quick saying, something which I call a Thought Of The Day.  Well, I have not let myself down. Let me introduce you to a little something I am calling:

Surprise, Surprise!

          Lance Maxwell had it all going on for himself. He had a successful legal practice, a beautiful wife who worked with him, and three wonderful children. Lance did not lack anything material, as evidence by his $500,000 home, and brand new S-Class Mercedes Benz. Indeed, one would be inclined to say that Lance had all that he needed to have a happy life.

          Each day, exactly at noon, Lance and his lovely wife of 20 years would share lunch together, during which time, Lance would showcase his beautiful wife as if she were a model fresh off of the run way.  Lance was truly a happy man; however, and as fate would have it, that all changed after Lance’s firm hired a new Paralegal named Toni.

Although he was married, Lance would be the very first to point out that he was not dead, and it was not long before Lance’s eyes, like those of the other male employees, began to find Toni attractive. How could they help it? Toni was, by all indications, the truest example of the total package.

With her long, slender legs, fair skin, hazel eyes and extremely perky breast, Toni became a magnet for many would be suitors, including Lance.  Like the other would be suitors, Lance was determined to make his interest in Toni known.

Not wanting to draw undue attention to his scheme, Lance conveniently scheduled client appointments for later in the day, and ensured that he had suitable Paralegal support. Lance figured this would provide him with the best opportunity to connecting with Toni, especially since his wife normally left for home at 4:30 in the afternoon.

On one particular evening, after his last client for the day, Lance approached Toni to compliment her on the excellent work she’d been doing for the firm. As a way of thanking Toni for going the extra mile to ensure that the firm was productive, Lance invited Toni to dinner at a local restaurant. Toni thought the request to be a little odd, but opted to accept the invitation as a harmless gesture from a grateful employer.

Lance and Toni dined at a local TGI Friday’s, and even shared a few drinks together. Being a man with urges, and noticing the inviting look in Toni’s eyes, Lance suggested that they get a hotel room for the evening, as neither was in any condition to drive after the drinks they had. Again Toni agreed, but this time with less reluctance that previously expressed with the offer for dinner.

Lance and Toni checked into a local Hilton Garden Inn hotel within walking distance from the TGI Fridays, and being the enterprising type of guy he was, Lance made sure that the room had a single King Sized bed with no other sleeping accommodations.

They entered the room and Lance went to take a shower, while Toni sipped on a glass of wine. Toni went into the shower after Lance emerged from the bathroom, and Lance jumped into the bed and wrapped up tightly in the covers. Lance also turned the light out to set the mood for the evening.

Toni emerged from the bathroom, and walked slowly over to the unoccupied side of the bed. The Toni slowly disrobed and slip under the covers. Without a doubt, Lance could hardly contain himself, so he reached his right hand around Toni’s waste only to discover that Toni was actually a Tony. Even more to his surprise, Toni or Tony believed that Lance was already aware, and that Lance was into Toni’s kind of lifestyle. Perhaps if Lance would have checked the Human Resources File, he would not have found himself in such a precarious situation.

Needless to say, there is a moral to this story. The Grass Is Always Greener On The Other Side, Until You Jump The Fence And Find You That Are Standing On Artificial Turf.

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Wasted Minutes

APRIL 24 2010 2246 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Something strange happened to me yesterday, and I guess I really should have written about it then, but I just allowed it to slip my mind briefly. Perhaps all I needed was a little time to just think about what happened, kind of like processing it to determine if what I thought happened is what really happened. I know I am just talking in circles, but events like this tend to boggle the mind.

Here is what happened. I was off from work yesterday. Well I went into the office briefly to move a piece of work off of my desk because, between you, me and the fence post, I don't feel that I can trust many of my coworkers to pick up the reigns after I let them go, if you know what I mean. Anyway, after leaving work, I came back to the house, and just relaxed for the most part until it was about time for me to go to my follow up appointment with my Orthopedic doctor. Now the appointment was at 3:00 PM yesterday, which meant that I had to catch the 2:12 PM U2 bus at the corner of University and Atlantic Blvd.

As I waited for the bus, a lady who also works at my job, but on a part time basis, walked up and sat at the bus stop. She and I ride the bus into work most mornings, so that was not anything out of the ordinary. She also knows that soon to be ex-wife of mine, and she is aware of our current status. Again, nothing out of the ordinary.

We waited for the same bus, the Southbound U2. As we waited, I chatted briefly on the phone with a friend of mine, and the coworker just sat there minding her business. I got off of the phone, and noticed that there was some guy who was taking pictures of the Wendy's that the bus stop was in front of. I assumed he had his reasons, so I did not pay him any attention. The coworker, however, did, and she noticed that the man took a few pictures of she and I as we were waiting at the bus stop. As the man walked towards his 2007 or 2008 Silver Chevrolet Camero, the coworker said to me that the man had taken several pictures of us.

At this point, I became very curious. The man drove through the Wendy's parking lot and out through the drive thru lane. I snapped a quick picture of him on my camera phone, because turn about is fair play, or at least that is what I have been taught. I also captured his license plate, Florida Tag P61 BPD. My coworker was shaken by the man's actions because she, like me, tends to be a very private person. I told her I would find out who the person was.

What the man did not know is that I have friends in low places. As it turns out, the License Tag came back as belonging to a Private Detective affiliated with Attorney Thomas Treece, my soon to be ex-wife's lawyer. Yes people, the heifer thought I was going to be stupid and not do my homework. She must have forgotten that I have ways of finding out just about everything.

So here we are. Her Lawyer thinks he has photos alleging infidelity on my part, and all he really has is nothing more than Peter Parker trying to get a shot of Spiderman. Now, I am sure they are going to Photoshop the pictures, I expect nothing less from people like that. I also expect those pictures to be used in some sort of slanderous attack on me. Long and the short of it is my ex-wife, yeah I'll call her my ex-wife now, anyway, she is trying to get me to fight her, and I am just not going to give her ignorant butt the satisfaction.

So, my ex-wife has this group of people who give her poor advice. I have been fighting and winning mental wars the majority of my life. She does not have the wits to deal with me when it comes to a mental battle. Instead, she'd rather have a physical or verbal battle so she can try to over power me with her lawyer's debating skills. I could give her the satisfaction of a verbal altercation, but you know, I gain more ground by not engaging her verbally. Bottom line is she wants to prove that she can break me, and she is finding out that I am not so easy to break. In other words she is getting bad advice.

So, the question now is what do I do about the most recent assault on me? My answer? Nothing. I am going to let her feel like she's won a victory, even though she actually lost. You see, I promised my coworker that I will let her know what I discovered. So on Monday, the 26th, I am going to tell her that the guy was a private detective, which he was, and he was hired by Paula's (ooops, I was trying not to use names), lawyer.  As I previously stated, she knows my ex-wife, so imagine how that will back fire on my ex-wife. If you can not see behind enemy lines, you may not want to throw that grenade, because there just might be a tank ready to fire right back at you.

What I find to be most amazing is the fact that she claims she is suffering financially, yet she has enough money to hire a private detective. Those people do not work for free, in fact a typical retainer for a private detective is right around $700, and they bill by the hour plus other expenses as deemed necessary. Considering I made him, the detective is most likely going to get rid of license tag P61 BPD and get a new tag, so rest assured he will be adding that cost in the to fees he is charging Paula. One of these days she is going to wake up and realize that her country butt is just plain outclassed.

Just Go

APRIL 22 2010 2155 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Have you ever sat and thought to yourself that maybe it is time to just make some major, yet impromptu change in your life? You know, just throw caution to the wind, and take that one big leap of faith. No, I am not talking about marriage. God knows I have screwed up enough of those to last me a lifetime. I mean taking some other big step, one that you would never have considered yourself to be capable of taking at any point in your life. Well, that is kind of where I am now in life.

You know, we get up in the morning. Some of us get ready for work. We travel anywhere from 1 to more than 100 miles away from home, and give 8 to 10 hours of our life per day to some ungrateful bastard who would much rather fling a booger at us, than to take the time to get to know our names. Yet, regardless of the treatment, we still flock to the same job, day in and day out, like a kitten to a bowl of milk, and we smile as if it is the best thing since the invention of sliced bread. Well, I got news for you, there is so much more to life than the daily act of pimping ourselves to some stuffed shirts with deep pockets.

A friend of my brother and I were talking one time, and I brought of the fact that I feel as if I am living an unfulfilled life, yet I am not sure how to seek fulfillment. I mean, I have things in my life which I value very highly. My relationship with God, the love of my children, my wonderful grand children, a job that gives me just enough to get by. You know, all of the basic bullshit that the more affluent tell us is the way to fruitfully fulfilling life. Yeah right, these are the same individuals who were born into a 6 to 7 figure bank account, so what do they know about a fulfilling life other than what mommy and daddy bought for them? My brother's friend said to me that I should just go. I looked at him like he was freaking retarded. Go? Go where? Was he telling me to ju st get out of his face? If he was, then what a big arking bastard he is. As it turned out, he meant nothing of the sort.

Unbeknownst to me, my brother's friend had just returned to the United States after spending 5 years living in London. In other words, one day he just said the hell with it and jumped on a plane to London. Just like that. No worrying about family, no concern about his current employment or lack of future employment, heck not even a clear picture of where to stay when he arrived in London. Nope, none of that, he just woke up one day and said to himself that he was going to London. To me, that took a big ole pair of brass ones, but it all worked out for him. He scored a gig as a bartender, and introduced his music to the good folk of London, and from what I am to understand he had a great experience over in merry ole England. Just Go, it was as simple as that Just Go. Throw caution to the wind, or just screw caution all together. Just Go. Wow I thoug ht, what a profound philosophy.

When a person actually thinks about it, most people who successfully start new lives in new worlds thought the same way. When told they could not worship the way they liked, the Pilgrims thought "Let's Just Go", boarded a ship called the Mayflower, and the rest as as we like to say History. If 4 teen musicians had not decided to Just Go to America, I would like the think that Paul would have never sprouted Wings.

Maybe there is some validity to the notion to Just Go. Nothing preplanned at all. Just walk into an Airport with passport and bags in hand, and flip a coin. Heads to the east, Tails to the west. Or perhaps just take a trans-atlantic of trans-pacific  cruise one way to another country, and stay there one you arrive. Now that sounds adventurous, dangerous, but adventurous. How many times have I wished I would have stayed in Australia or the Philippines when I was a young sailor. How I've thought about joining the crew of a merchant vessel to just work my way across the ocean to Africa, or Spain, or some other exotic destination.

Like everyone, I want to know that my life is worth something, and that I have done something note worthy before the day in which I draw my last breath. I am tired of doing the work of the man for little to no recognition, while the butt kissers of our society reap all of the benefits. I am tired of my intellectual property being stolen and peddled as the idea of some young hot shot who is stuck in the muck and the mire of the Master / Slave type of professional relationship. Hell, I am just tired of seeing everyone else has something great to talk about, while I am stuck with the memory of marching down Sunset Blvd as the member of a High School Marching Band. Darn It! I want my life to mean something, if to no one else, then just to me. I want to be able to look back and say yes I did that. Perhaps I should take the advice of my brother's friend and Just Go.

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Analyzing Me

APRIL 18 2010 2217 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Here we are, coming to the end of another Sunday, which has not been too different from every other Sunday since I was forced out of her house in November 2009. I just follow the same ole rutt of a routine. Eat dinner, surf the net, watch Battlestar Galactica, and then Animation Domination on Fox. Yep, same ole dull routine. Nothing exciting, or at least nothing outwardly note worthy.

I know that there is really nothing in my power that I can really do regarding the situation, other than allow God to work through it on my behalf. With as much grand standing that I do at times, I am actually more bark than I am bite. Truth be known, I cannot stand confrontation. I deplore conflict in any way, shape, or form. Perhaps that is the problem that seems to plague my life, and perhaps it is the very reason why I find it hard to see things through until the end.

I mean I must face the facts, when ever the opp osition becomes a little too much to bear, I just tuck tail and run. Well, maybe that is a little harsh, but the honest fact is that I will not stand my ground if I am dealing with a cause that I feel is futile. Does that make me a weak man? Can I even call myself a man?

I stand and wonder why I am not respected, even by the very people to whom I give much respect. Regardless of how respectful I am to others, I am often regarded as someone trivial in the eyes of the rest of the world. It is as if I am from a completely different planet, and my spaceship just so happened to crash land on Earth in 1965. Truth be known, I cannot honestly recall a time where I actually seemed to fit in, regardless of the environment, or the situation. Sure I would try to force myself to fit in, but even then I was just not getting it.

I am not dumb by any stretch of imagination, although my intelligence seems to be derived from my ability to analyze my environment, and extrapolate key items which I then interpret to discover what is true and what is false. Yes, I can hold intelligent conversations, but I still feel like an outsider, as if I walked into some exclusive club, and I am the subject of scrutiny because I walked into the club.

Why am I made to experience this kind of life? I've suffered three failed marriages, and I am just not really any good at interpersonal relationships. I do what I think is right, but in the eyes of everybody else, everything I do is wrong. I am the poster boy for ostracizing, if that is even a word. And that is another thing, I create words that just fit into the context of conversations I am involved in. It is not as if I've heard the words before, but they just come to me, seemingly out of the blue.

I feel as if I am the ultimate social outcast. Everyone would rather attack me than be a real friend or try to relate. People are afraid to talk to me, they look at me as if I am an intellectual threat to them. I assure you that I am not. I am just a simple soul, a simple spirit, one that loves and appreciates the value of real and honest communication. You know, I just realized. In three marriages, I have not had one wife who was truly my intellectual equal. Even this last one, who has a Masters Degree, even she is unable to hold an intelligent conversation with me. Instead, she mumbles, and then she blames me for a breakdown. Am I really that bad? If so, why am I made to open my eyes in the morning? Why not just remove me from the Earth, and restore the precious balance that it appears I have upset by my mere presence?

I commune with God daily, and in many cases several times a day. I feel as I can talk directly to God, as if I am having a conversation with another human being. I can hear God respond to my questions and my concerns. I can honestly hear him. I know that there are people who will think of me as crazy, but I can honestly as God about something tha t I have either done, or may have been thinking of doing, and I can actually hear God respond. Many times God reminds me that he is working on the situation and that I need to be patient, and so I do, I maintain my patience. Other times, God responds to me and either gives me an answer, or initiates a Socratic style of questioning that helps me to either find to solution, or think a little deeper into what is actually going on at the time. I know a lot of people will think of me as crazy, or missing a few screws, or perhaps one joker short of the full deck, but to me it is real.

At times I tend to feel that maybe my issues are the result of me being born into a virtually Pagan society, but I know I cannot say that with any degree of certainty. All that I do know for a fact is that I do not seem to fit in, anywhere, and I cannot understand why. I will be honest, there are times I wish I'd never been born at all, and there are times I wish I'd just not wake up t he next morning. Sometimes I get the feeling the the world would be a better place without me. I am almost certain that nobody of any real consequence would miss me. Nope, to the world I would be just another dead and insignificant nigger who was breathing the air that someone who is truly worth a damn could have been using.

Then I get to thinking that perhaps I need to be isolated on a deserted island somewhere away from this society that does not appreciate who I am. Maybe I was just born to be alone. I do not need to be anyone's father, anyone's husband, brother, uncle, cousin, I do not need to be anything to anyone because I am just bad for everyone.

So, who do I blame for what I am enduring? I can blame no one other than myself, because I am not able to read minds and see what it is that people want me to be. It is obvious that they do not want me to be me. Maybe I am just meant to be a slave to an uncaring world. A world of liars, thieves, cheate rs, cut throats, evil minded bastards who are only in it for themselves.

I think I have put the finger on m problem. I care too much. That's it, I just care too dog gone much, and no one else cares. I am certain that no one really cares about me. Some sense of community. Maybe I should just stop caring, and just accept things at face value. Maybe I should stop showing love, and compassion for my fellow man, especially in light of the fact that my fellow man does not see me as such.

Maybe I should only be concerned about how God sees me, and base my assessment of myself on the standard that God has outlined for me. When the world cares not for me, God loves me and cares for me. This could be my spiritual wake up call. Only God knows for certain, I am just a traveler, wandering on the road that he has laid out for me.

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Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

APRIL 12 2010 2045 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Just sitting here, entertaining a few random thoughts, honestly about nothing in particular.

Why is breaking up so hard to do? Really, I mean have you ever taken a moment to really think about it? The hardest word to say in the entire english language I appears to be the word goodbye.

People put up fronts, yes even me, for I know that I have put up my share of fronts in life, and indeed I still put up fronts even to this day. For me, my fronts are walls of self imposed protection, kind of like a shield to safeguard me from harm. What harm? Perhaps the shield is to protect me from my own fears.

In truth, for many of us a break up amounts to nothing more than a failure, and failure is something that 80% of us fear. No one likes failure, indeed no one likes to admit that he or she has reached an end.

I think Neil Diamond said it best, Breaking Up Is Hard To Do. Funny, for it to be so difficult, so many people seem to get a big kick out of doing it, breaking up, that is. I do not expect breaking up will ever become easy.

The Day My Mother Passed Away

MARCH 30 2010 1403 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Today is a rather somber day for me. It should be a joyous day as a preparation to celebrate the birth of my father, but this day will be forever etched in my mind as the day my mother passed away.

Regrets, some people have few. Me? I have many regrets, but the greatest of all of my regrets is the fact that my mother went to her grave without me being able to tell her while she was still alive that I loved her. Please forgive the run on sentence, but this is an emotional time in my life.

My mother and I seldom saw eye to eye, and a great part of that was driven by my own stupidity. I could have listened more, but my pride would not allow me to. This is my personal lamentation, for I will never have another woman in my life like my mother.

Only one of my wives ever knew my mother, and believe me, Julia feared the presence of my mother. Perhaps that was because she realized she would never measure up to my mother.

At times, my daughter, in her firness reminds me of my mother, but I pass that off one of my mother's traits that I shared with my daughter. In many ways I am like my mother.

She would give even when she had not the means, yet would ask nothing in return. The truest example of a saint to me, indeed one that I would aspire to be.

I miss my mother more than worlds can ever say, and yet I realize that she is not more than a simple prayer away. It's been 21 years since that fateful day. This day. The day my mother passed away.

I love you mom, and even though I had a strange way of showing it, I always have loved you.

Let's Try This Again

MARCH 24 2010 2247 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I think this is going to be a short entry today because I am still convelessing.

Ever since my surgery on 3/17/2010, I have been presented with one big challange after another. I mean it took me until sunday the 22nd before I was able to raise my right leg. I am starting to bend it more. Then comes a minor setback of sorts.

You know, yesterday was the first time I had the pleasure or riding in the back of a Jacksonville Fire & Rescue Ambulance, and let me tell you, the experience is higly over rated. So, I am taken to Memorial Hospital, and the ER physician tells me that I have a right side and mid back strain. I was put on a course of medications including a 5 day course of Prednisone, and something called Cyclobenzaorine which is a pretty strong muscle relaxer. Between those two, and the medication I was previously taking, I have been sleeping hard day and night.

I am going to atte mpt work again tomorrow, and we will see that happens. In the mean time, I am starting to get drowsy, so I am going to call it a night. Oh what an interesting life I lead.

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Making Great Progress

MARCH 21 2010 1935 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Today turned out to be very fulfilling.

I got up this morning and went to church. I had to take the church van because I did not feel comfortable in riding the bus. The church van was not bad, once I figured out the best way to sit.

Church was wonderful. It was youth Sunday, so the music was provided by the Thomas Small Youth Choir. The did three wonderful selections, one of which was a song called Haliluah, and another was a Donnie McClurkin selection called Living Word. Perhaps the most impressive selection was this multi-spiritual which included Swing Low, Angels Watching Over Me, and When The Saints Go Marching In. It was a very impressive song. The sermon was about praise. Which reminds me, I have to read Exodus 15 to see if I can interpret the praise song which Moses and Miriam sang. All in all, a great service.

I was treated to a surprise at home. For the past three days I have been unable to lift my right leg, but today I was able to do four sets of 10 leg lifts on the right leg. Call me psychotic, but I am going to try going to work with one crutch tomorrow. My friend thinks I should take both crutches. I don't know, this will most likely be a gametime decision.

The way thing are going, I should be back to my old walking self in no time. Although this time I will not have to worry about those silly calcium deposits anymore.

Let's see, what else happened today? Oh yeah, I almost forgot. There was an email from the ex-wife. Now this is funny, because I made an offer for us to engage in dialogue, but she decided to play stupid. A told her not to worry, and I washed my hands of the situation. In otherwards I let go, and now she wants to send an email? I guess men are supposed to be dumb creatures. Well I guess I am not the average guy. I decided not to read the email. I figure if she really wants to talk, then she will find another way to get through to me. I may listen, I may not. We're no longer married, and her lawyer is raping my salary, so she has what she wants, there is nothing else that I need to say to her.

It is not that I am being cruel, but I am just tired of being treated like a door mat. Don't get me wrong, I am still going to pray for her, but I have to distance myself from ignorance and drama. Call me what you like, hate me, heck deplore me, I don't care. I am at a point in my life where I am starting to care for the only person I think to be important, me. No, that's not true, I do care for others as well, but just not the way I used to. I am not going to shut people out, I am just going to stop putting other people's wants, needs, and desires ahead of my own.

Just Another Boring Saturday

MARCH 20 2010 1741 - JACKSONVILLE FL- Well, here I am, another Saturday with absolutely nothing at all to do. Ok in fairness, my dead Saturday is partially due to the fact that my mobility is impaired from my surgery of three days ago, but still, one would think there would be a little extra  excitement.

So here is the deal. I am sitting in my living room, and you guessed it, I am on my laptop. Hooray, you win the prize. My neighbors are blasting music, which would not be so bad except for the fact that I can not understand a single word of it. My neighbors are Mexican, so they listen to the music of their culture. Oh well, at least the beat is nice, so one out of two ain't bad.

I spent most of the day on PeopleString and Facebook, which has become kind of the norm for me. Hey, no car, leg all beat up, money running low, Facebook is the next best thing to going to a club. A lot of my Facebook Family are still up at arms at the fa ct that I am stepping away from my soon to be Ex-Wife and Kid. Well she says she is pregnant although I have been unable to verify. Anyway, many of my Facebook friends can not understand my logic. That is OK, for I am not expecting them to understand why I am taking this action, just that they know that it is not a decision I have made lightly.

I talked to one of my church sisters today. She is one of a couple of twins, her name is Jeanette and her sister is Lynette. I explained to Jeanette why I made the decision I did, and she understood. Seems no one else knew the satonic principalities I am up against. Jeanette asked me if I am trying to communicate with my son, and I said that to do that I will have to communicate with the wife and she is not making that a possibility. So Jeanette suggested something that has honestly not previously crossed my mind. Jeanette suggested that I maintain a journal, kind of like writing letters to my son, and that in the future I can pres ent it to him. I took her suggestion one step further and put together a Blog that I am calling "Letters Of A Father". I wrote my first letter today, and I must admit, it was extremely therapeutic, and I felt much better after writing it.

It is almost like keeping a diary of my thoughts, a record of what is going on with me, preserving a history that I can share with my son, because goodness knows that evil winch is going to do everything in her power to erase any knowledge of my family from him. So mote it be, but I will have these letters to share with him as an adult. As my mother was so fond of saying, there is more than one way to skin a cat.

Still regardless of how that woman treats me, and what her ignorant tail thinks about me, I know the truth. I still have God, and as long as I have God I really don't need anybody else.

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Hooray, The Bandages Came Off Today

MARCH 19 2010 1314 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Progressing one step closer with each passing day. I think it to be a good thing, but as with all things, only time will actually tell the tale.

My bandages came off of the knee today, and once the were removed, I noticed hat there were actually three incisions instead of two. I thought that to be odd, but the doctor soon explained the reason for the three incisions. I will admit, I was very shocked to find out the reason.

According to the doctor, I actually had three loose bodies in my knee, each of which have grown to pretty good sized. As the doctor commented, it was like extracting three marbles from my knee. and that was very interesting to say the least. The doctor told me that the entire surgery lasted approximately 35 minutes, although I felt like I was only out for a few seconds. Hey, I guess a deep anesthetic sleep will do that for a person. Over all, the doctor said that I shuld heal just fine, and even felt confident enough to tell me that I can return to work on 3/22/2010. Believe me when I say that I am ready to get back to work on Monday.

Being off for a medical procedure is ok, but I am one of those people who feel as if the walls are closing in on him, and that is something which I simply cannot stand. Besides, I crave daily interaction with my coworkers.

My oldest son is off from work today, so the two of us single guys are just kicking it around the house. I am going to see if I can pursued him to just move in and at least pick up the telephone and electric bills. That would really help out a great deal. In return I will make sure that he has a monthly bus pass every month. Storms only look bad from a distance, once inside, they are usually nothing more than a bunch of air moving and bouncing between pillar and post. Me, I am but the lowly sparrow who, with wings spread, rides the currents as they rise and fall.

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Walk Away, Just Walk Away

MARCH 18 2010 1753 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Well when the bad news comes, it rushes in like the waters from a broken levy swallowing up a small helpless town.

 

Still recovering from my surgery. My daughter came by to sit with me for a little while, and then my son came in. These are my adult children. As my daughter and I discussed dinner, I sent my son to the mail box. When he returned, there was a thick envelop in the pile. I opened that one because it was from the General Magistrate of Duval County.

 

In the envelop was a proposed order for Child Support, to be taken via payroll deductions. According to the documentation, I will be paying a total of $700 per month in regular child support and an additional $200 per month in arrearages. In other words a total of $900 per month, deducted in bi-weekly increments. I am presently bringing home only $1800.00 per month, out of which I have to pay rent, utilities, public transportation, oh yes, and I somehow have to buy food. This is not to mention that they are desiring to make me pay 50% of her liabilities because they were incurred during the course of our marriage.

 

Needless to say, this is going to destroy me financially, as I can see that I will not be able to afford the apartment, neither will I be able to afford a lesser apartment due to the fact that my credit is going to require me to put down up to 2 months worth of rent as a security deposit should I seek to move into a lesser apartment.

 

Still, I know God, and I know that God would not put me into anyplace that I can not afford, neither would God allow me to struggle to survive. What this means, because I am not going to contest the court order at all, but this means that I will have to find a way to cut cost even more than I have already. I am talking about extreme cuts, in all areas of spending. Yes, that means peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch, and perhaps dinner too. I will just have to pray that I can keep the few items of clothing I have in good repair. About the biggest challenge will be in the utilities, and telephone services, of which I am certain that I can find areas to cut cost as well.

 

I know it looks extremely bleak at the moment, but believe it or not, I do have a subtle advantage. See, my brothers and I grew up poor, or close to poverty, so we know how to survive in situations like this. In other words, these are not waters that are unfamiliar to me, my soon to be Ex-wife just thinks I am in unfamiliar waters. Truth of the matter is, I am used to doing without, and if I was able to survive then, I will be more than able to survive now. What is going to kill her is the fact that I am going to do it with a smile on my face.

 

I'd said once before, I may be down, but I  am far from over. God give things for a season, and when that season is over, then we merely move on until the next season becomes known. From the aspect of seasons, I am about to enter into a cold winter of my life, but I do not worry, because I still have God to keep me warm. Give her the money, it is the blessing I have been praying that God would do for her. I am not going to change, I am still going to pray for her blessing, and I am still going to pray that God protects and keeps Ethan. Perhaps in the future she will introduce him to the father she wants him to know, since she did not feel that I was the right father for him.

 

Ironically, I am not bitter, although it is easy to see how one could become bitter. I am more so glad that this season is coming to an end. As I prayed and asked for forgiveness from God weeks ago, I will not interfere with her raising the boys. I will just fade away, with the only knowledge of me being the one who pays child support. I do thank God for the blessing of Ethan for the season I was allowed to share with him. I will not forget him; however, I must now bow out gracefully.

Surgery Complete - On To The Next Step

MARCH 17 2010 1820 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Today was the day.

I woke up this morning at the usual time, eventhough it was not a work day for me. I did not want to be late for my surgery. I actually had arrive by 8:30 am, but decided I would get there a little earlier.

I left the apartment at 11 minutes to seven and went to catch the 7:14 am U2 bus. I figured that since I had to rely on walking that I did not want to run the risk of cutting it too closely. Funny, I've not previously had a major surgery, and it was as if I was anxious to get today's surgery over and done with.

I walked into the Plaza Surgery Center at 7:30 am, completed the paper work I needed, and waited for my name to be called. I was finally called back at 9:50 am.

After what seemed to be an endless battery of the same questions over and over, and following introductions of the surgical team it was time to prepare for the surgery.

You know, I must give the team a 10 for safety. We have all heard the stories of the doctors operating on the wrong body parts, but Plaza ensured such an actio would not happen. Once they confirmed that the surgery was to be performed on my right leg, they wrapped the left leg in an ACE bandage. The doctor also initialed the leg that the surgery was to be performed. At that point it was off to la-la land for me. That next thing I remember was waking up, completely disorientated, but the surgery was done.

My knee was wrapped in a bandage, and I could feel the pain slowly building. Not to worry, the doctor gave me a couple of Percascet, and prescribed Loritab to help manage the pain. By that time, my son-in-law arrived to drive me home. We had to stop to fill my prescription and purchase some crutches on the way home.

So far everything seems to be going fairly well. My son is staying the night with me to ensure nothing happens as a side effect to the annesthesia. I am still unable to stand without the assistance of the crutches, but I have a feeling that I should heal fairly quickly.

I will admit that it is rather uncomfortable at the moment, but considering the trade off is I no longer have to worry about a floating calcium deposit, I can deal with a brief period of discomfort.