AUGUST 5 2010 2333 - JACKSONVILLE FL - An excellent musical talent by the name of Smokey Robinson once recorded a song called Tears of a Clown, which spoke volumes to me, especially in my emotional state. Indeed, it speaks even more so to me in my present state. I guess you can say I am in a Smokey state of mind.
Each day I get up and I paint on a smile, and begin my day. I wear that smile and pretend that nothing is really bothering me, but deep down inside I know that I am lying to myself and those who are closest to me. At work, I laugh, and smile and play the role of the man who is so in control, when in actuality I am dying on the inside.
I think is was a gentleman by the name of Kenneth "Baby Face" Edmonds who said it best when he wrote the lyric, "I am dying inside, and nobody knows it but me". So I play the role of the corporate cheerleader, when deep inside I am falling deeper and deeper into a pit of woe. I walk with a bounce in my step when I really feel like dragging my feet.
There are times when I can be seen looking out the window, and that serves a dual purpose. Through the window I observe the people walking by, the cloudless sky, all of the joys in life. Conversely, as I stand by the window, indeed do I contemplate what I would consider should the window be able to open.
You know, I have honestly not had a dream in more than 4, maybe 5 months. Now where that may not mean much to you, it is virtually devastating to me. For me, a dream is a ray of hope. With that thought in mind, would not being dreamless indeed make me hopeless? Am I hopeless? Am I useless? What, or who am I?
So, here we are. Where do I go from hear. I actually entertained a notion of taking a personal pilgrimage, but just where to. Of that, I have not decided. Should I do so, how will I eat? Where will I sleep? How do I make money? Will I need money? Does diet Dr. Pepper actually taste like regular Dr. Pepper? Where's the Beef? Who really knows? I sure don't at this moment. Life can be so complicated.
No comments:
Post a Comment