I know that there is really nothing in my power that I can really do regarding the situation, other than allow God to work through it on my behalf. With as much grand standing that I do at times, I am actually more bark than I am bite. Truth be known, I cannot stand confrontation. I deplore conflict in any way, shape, or form. Perhaps that is the problem that seems to plague my life, and perhaps it is the very reason why I find it hard to see things through until the end.
I mean I must face the facts, when ever the opp osition becomes a little too much to bear, I just tuck tail and run. Well, maybe that is a little harsh, but the honest fact is that I will not stand my ground if I am dealing with a cause that I feel is futile. Does that make me a weak man? Can I even call myself a man?
I stand and wonder why I am not respected, even by the very people to whom I give much respect. Regardless of how respectful I am to others, I am often regarded as someone trivial in the eyes of the rest of the world. It is as if I am from a completely different planet, and my spaceship just so happened to crash land on Earth in 1965. Truth be known, I cannot honestly recall a time where I actually seemed to fit in, regardless of the environment, or the situation. Sure I would try to force myself to fit in, but even then I was just not getting it.
I am not dumb by any stretch of imagination, although my intelligence seems to be derived from my ability to analyze my environment, and extrapolate key items which I then interpret to discover what is true and what is false. Yes, I can hold intelligent conversations, but I still feel like an outsider, as if I walked into some exclusive club, and I am the subject of scrutiny because I walked into the club.
Why am I made to experience this kind of life? I've suffered three failed marriages, and I am just not really any good at interpersonal relationships. I do what I think is right, but in the eyes of everybody else, everything I do is wrong. I am the poster boy for ostracizing, if that is even a word. And that is another thing, I create words that just fit into the context of conversations I am involved in. It is not as if I've heard the words before, but they just come to me, seemingly out of the blue.
I feel as if I am the ultimate social outcast. Everyone would rather attack me than be a real friend or try to relate. People are afraid to talk to me, they look at me as if I am an intellectual threat to them. I assure you that I am not. I am just a simple soul, a simple spirit, one that loves and appreciates the value of real and honest communication. You know, I just realized. In three marriages, I have not had one wife who was truly my intellectual equal. Even this last one, who has a Masters Degree, even she is unable to hold an intelligent conversation with me. Instead, she mumbles, and then she blames me for a breakdown. Am I really that bad? If so, why am I made to open my eyes in the morning? Why not just remove me from the Earth, and restore the precious balance that it appears I have upset by my mere presence?
I commune with God daily, and in many cases several times a day. I feel as I can talk directly to God, as if I am having a conversation with another human being. I can hear God respond to my questions and my concerns. I can honestly hear him. I know that there are people who will think of me as crazy, but I can honestly as God about something tha t I have either done, or may have been thinking of doing, and I can actually hear God respond. Many times God reminds me that he is working on the situation and that I need to be patient, and so I do, I maintain my patience. Other times, God responds to me and either gives me an answer, or initiates a Socratic style of questioning that helps me to either find to solution, or think a little deeper into what is actually going on at the time. I know a lot of people will think of me as crazy, or missing a few screws, or perhaps one joker short of the full deck, but to me it is real.
At times I tend to feel that maybe my issues are the result of me being born into a virtually Pagan society, but I know I cannot say that with any degree of certainty. All that I do know for a fact is that I do not seem to fit in, anywhere, and I cannot understand why. I will be honest, there are times I wish I'd never been born at all, and there are times I wish I'd just not wake up t he next morning. Sometimes I get the feeling the the world would be a better place without me. I am almost certain that nobody of any real consequence would miss me. Nope, to the world I would be just another dead and insignificant nigger who was breathing the air that someone who is truly worth a damn could have been using.
Then I get to thinking that perhaps I need to be isolated on a deserted island somewhere away from this society that does not appreciate who I am. Maybe I was just born to be alone. I do not need to be anyone's father, anyone's husband, brother, uncle, cousin, I do not need to be anything to anyone because I am just bad for everyone.
So, who do I blame for what I am enduring? I can blame no one other than myself, because I am not able to read minds and see what it is that people want me to be. It is obvious that they do not want me to be me. Maybe I am just meant to be a slave to an uncaring world. A world of liars, thieves, cheate rs, cut throats, evil minded bastards who are only in it for themselves.
I think I have put the finger on m problem. I care too much. That's it, I just care too dog gone much, and no one else cares. I am certain that no one really cares about me. Some sense of community. Maybe I should just stop caring, and just accept things at face value. Maybe I should stop showing love, and compassion for my fellow man, especially in light of the fact that my fellow man does not see me as such.
Maybe I should only be concerned about how God sees me, and base my assessment of myself on the standard that God has outlined for me. When the world cares not for me, God loves me and cares for me. This could be my spiritual wake up call. Only God knows for certain, I am just a traveler, wandering on the road that he has laid out for me.
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