JULY 24 2010 1910 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I have been doing a little reflecting lately, kind of looking at myself in retrospect as if through the mirror of my life to this point in my life. I know, scary proposition if I do say so myself. Still, I took a deeply inquiring look at myself, and one thing sticks out vividly, as if one thousand stars suddenly increased in brilliance.
As I looked at myself, I began to realize that I have been living my life not for the sake of myself, but more so on the basis of the opinions of others. In an effort to be accepted, I walked this micro-thin line of being liked, or wanting to be liked.
It is as is everything I do had to, at least from my perspective, meet the approval of those who were around me, otherwise I felt as if I was not liked, and even worst, not accepted. From the time I was a child, seeking my mother's confirmation that I did a good job - whether the job was good or not- all the way into my adult life where I look to my manager to seek his approval of the kind of job I am doing at work.
In the college marching band I had to prove that - if I were not the best trumpet player - that I was the strongest trumpet player. If I was not the best dancer, then I was the hardest marcher. I was constantly out to prove to others that I was worth something, what ever that something was, when I all really needed to do was prove to myself that I was what I expected myself to be.
As hard as this pill is to swallow, the facts are the facts. In an effort to justify my worth to others, I lost sight of the one person who mattered the most in my life, I lost sight of me. You know, of all the people who walk out of our lives, to allow self to walk out is the greatest tragedy any person can experience in a lifetime.
Now, I know you are wondering why I am discussing this topic. Well, the answer is quite simple. God gave me a spiritual wake up call today. We had a funeral at my church today, and I rushed to arrive at the church by 9:50 AM for a funeral I thought began at 10:00 AM. As fate would have it, the service was actually at 11:00 AM, so I was more than an hour early. I decided to play around on the piano in the choir room. As you may be aware - or perhaps not - but I recently began teaching myself to play piano, and I've felt great about my level of progress. I can hold chords in the left hand and play the melodic lines in the right hand, and to me that is a major accomplishment because for the first time in 45 years I am actually getting the hang of playing the piano. So I sit at the piano, and start to pick out "Oh Danny Boy" which most people know as "He Looked Beyond My Faults" or most recently "You Raised Me Up" (same melody and chord progressions, just different lyrics for each). As I tried to feel the song out, one of the altos, who also arrived early, made a comment that I was murdering the hit, which is to say that I sounded terrible. Of course it was expected for me to sound terrible, after all I am still a beginner on the piano, and it was the first time I attempted that melody. What was funny was that she did not have a comment when I played "Create In Me A Clean Heart" or "Lean On Me" for that matter, both of which were melodies I'd practiced countless times since I began learning the piano. Anyway, we got into a discussion about my abilities, and she compared me to her 8 year old grand son who plays the piano very well. Now to put things into perspective, the 8 year old grand son had been learning how to play piano from the church's minister of music, and he had more than a 2 year head start on me. I just started teaching myself piano less than 2 months ago. Well, this alto thought it would be funny to embarrass me in front of one of the guest soloists by talking about a perceived arrogance. At that point I discovered just how I have matured emotionally.
The older me, from as much as a couple of years ago, would have reacted by withdrawing from that which brings me a great deal of pleasure, music. The older me would have locked on the alto's reference to my inability, taken it personal, and stopped attending choir rehearsal and perhaps church in search of someone who would have accepted me. But I am not that person from a couple of years ago. Indeed I am not the same person I was 6 or even 3 months ago. I recognized that the alto was merely displacing her own short coming by attacking my progress in an attempted to demean me. Crabs in the pot syndrome. It was the clearest indication of all that I had transcended to a level of intelligence which far surpassed that of her's. Now, don't get me wrong, this lady is intelligent, extremely intelligent. She is a great reader, and very studious, and she has all of the articulation of 6 years of post secondary education; however, I am a student of the teachings of people like Howard Gardner, Daniel Goleman, and now Stephen Covey, and I know that there is more to intelligence than mere academic intelligence. When I say that I have transcended to a level of intelligence far beyond that of her's, I was speaking from the perspective of Emotional Intelligence, which is a totally different dimension in intelligence and self awareness. She may destroy me from an academic sense, but she falls short in the realm of emotions.
This alto is a good friend, and one I care deeply about. Because of that, I think I am going to mention the two books - Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman
and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey
- to her. I feel it will shed a light to her as to why I am now the way that I am. I also feel it will open up another dimension of who she is to her. Or at least at a minimum I will recommend an E-Book on Emotional Fine Tuning to get her started. I am amazed at the change I am experiencing, and the knowledge I am gaining form reading into the world of my emotions. I am finding it to be as therapeutic as it is rewarding. Now that I am armed with this knowledge, I am able to realize that it does not matter what others think, God gave me the talent he did when he did, and it is up to me to make the best use of them. I am not hear to please the masses, just the father.
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