JULY 19 2010 2051 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I life I find that I am led to encounter many things as I journey down this long road. Perhaps nothing is greater of an encounter than that of preparing to face loneliness. Just the utter realization that one if completely alone. That is where I am at this point in my life.
I spoke with my daughter today, and she revealed the good news that she was preparing to move in less than a week. Less than 7 days, and my daughter with move to another part of the city. Now I know that should not be such a tragedy to me, if not for one simple fact. Since the day of my break up with my wife, it was my daughter who made sure I would have a place to lay my head down, and a place to call my home. Ok, and there is the aspect of the security of feeling that I developed just knowing that my daughter was walking distance from my apartment. There I could see my grand children anytime I wanted to. I could hang out with my son in law. Yes, I am the father, but with the knowledge of the close proximity of my daughter, well that gave me a secure feeling. They are not moving out of the city, but they are moving to the other side of town, and as a result, I am being left, alone.
The stark reality is that for the first time in 45 years, I am going to be in a position where I am completely and utterly alone. I am going to be honest, it is not the most comforting of feelings. I have been through much in life - from the fire when I was 12 to the near drowning in El Centro, and even to the life or death situations like nearly getting blown off of the flight deck of the USS Ranger - still, for the first time in my entire life I am left to walk this road completely alone.
Yep, just me. I have distanced myself from my friend and Ex-Lover Yolanda. She is engaged, and she does not need someone like me adding confusion to her situation. I still log onto Facebook, but even that offers precious little solace when I ponder the notion that I am actually, officially lonely.
This is the season of my wilderness experience, and what a dark wilderness it is indeed. I walk, every step an exercise in faith, but still I walk deeper and deeper, and this time alone. I know there is a reason, a purpose, a destiny for me, albeit I am not sure of just what the purpose, reason or destiny are at this particular moment in my life. I just pray that God will open my eyes to what ever it is. I am a mess, a real mess. I've suffered three failed marriages, which means that I am a problem. Even if I do not know what the problem is, I am, no I must be a problem. Now, the questions is how best to fix the problem that is me? A quick fix is not going to do it. I need to completely tear myself down and rebuild from the inside out. What is interesting is that no one seems to be willing to share with me just what it is that is contributing to my short comings, so I am honestly operating on autopilot.
I think if there is any comfort, it is in the knowing that I am not the first person who God has gotten alone. From what I read in the Bible, God gets people alone when he wants their undivided attention. Perhaps it is my turn, and God has something to give to me. Only time will tell. I do know that I said to God that I really don't want to be alone, but never the less, it is not my will, but God's will that must be done. If I am to be alone as part of his divine will for me, then I am ready to be alone. It may be for my own good, but regardless, being alone takes a lot of getting used to.
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