JULY 27 2010 0626 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Experience, I have found, is in fact a really good teacher. For it is due to our experiences that the more critical lessons in life are learned. Unfortunately, our past experiences often taint the waters of our future endeavors, thus making a prospective encounter the unknowing beneficiary of the negativity stemming from those previous experiences. Have I completely lost you yet? Good, that means you and I are on the same road, at least.
Remember I discussed an emotional issue that I experienced recently where I was compared to a child? Well, we know that which is generally observable to us is nothing more than the tip of the iceberg, and is but a prelude to that which lies beneath the surface.
In talking with a trusted friend, someone whom I have come to be able to honestly confide in, we discussed my concerns over the encounter. I did not go into a great deal of detail, but my very perceptive friend filled in the blanks that I did not even outline. Usually when that happens, I know that it is God revealing a message to me through a medium from which he knows I will find the information acceptable. My friend said to me that the other person, who we shall just call "The Alto", may have her eyes set on me as something more than a friend. That would have been fine, and to be honest, if this were 3 years ago I would have considered taking our friendship to that level because I do care very deeply for her. The problem is this is not 3 years ago, and between then and now, I endure the experience of Paula, which forever tainted my perception of all Black Women, and caused me to consider their motives to be suspect.
See, the Alto mentioned about how she allowed people to move into her house while they were "Getting On Their Feet", and I - and even indeed my trusted friend did as well - saw that gesture to be an offer from the Alto to move into her house with her. That is what I did with Paula oh 3 years ago, and the end result was my being forced out of her (Paula's) house with nowhere to go, no transportation, and just a few trash bags full of what clothing I could grab as I escaped the emotionally devastation of living within Paula's domain. In short, because of my experience with Paula, I cannot take an offer from any black woman - regardless of credibility - to move into her house. One bad experience just seeded my resolve toward others who may even have my best interest at heart. As I told my trusted friend, I would resign myself to living in a shelter before I consider moving into the house of another black woman ever again.
My trusted friend also said to me that the Alto likes me, and is interested in me as more than a friend. Indeed my trusted friend even went as far as suggesting that the Alto may be interested in a relationship with me. Although the Alto is a nice person, I must be honest with myself. At this point in my life I am what many would call damaged goods. I am neither emotionally, nor spiritually prepared for another relationship at this point. To become involved in another relationship would lead to the emotional end of me, and I am not prepared to take that step. The Alto and I have been friends since 1999, so we are talking more than 11 years at this point, and it has been said that the best relationships often begin with a friendship. Under normal circumstances, that would have been sufficient to justify my considering a relationship with the Alto; however, the Paula experience forever sealed the door to that option as well. See, Paula and I became friends in 2000, and we did not escalate to a more interpersonal relationship until 2006. Needless to say, we all know the outcome of that endeavor. Because of the Paula Experience, I cannot even consider opening myself up to the Alto as anything other than merely a friend. That is a shame, because I know that I am most likely losing out on what could be a good thing in life. The Alto comes from a great family, and she is every bit of what her wonderful mother - God Bless The Dead- was in life. The problem is not her, it is me. Because of my experience with Paula, indeed a legacy of emotion pain for me, I have changed my entire perception of interpersonal relationships. At this point in life, I can no longer allow the door to my heart to open for any black woman.
Will my perspective change in the future? It has been said that time heal all wounds. Still there are some wounds that are so deep that they actually cut to the bone. Those wounds take much longer to heal, if they ever really heal at all. Perhaps I have suffered what amounts to an emotional amputation, where a portion of my emotional self was cut away for the sake of protecting me from the cancer of emotional pain caused by others. I am not sure if I will ever walk that road again. I have said in the past that I am considering looking beyond the wall of my race in search of a relationship with someone who understands me. Where I was once standing solidly in the center of the fence, I now find that I am leaning heavily to the other side, meaning considering dating outside of my own race. Heck, people of my own race have told me that I act white, so, when in Rome, I guess I should do what the Romans do.
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