I Can't Do It, I Just Can't

JULY 27 2010 0626 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Experience, I have found, is in fact a really good teacher. For it is due to our experiences that the more critical lessons in life are learned. Unfortunately, our past experiences often taint the waters of our future endeavors, thus making a prospective encounter the unknowing beneficiary of the negativity stemming from those previous experiences. Have I completely lost you yet? Good, that means you and I are on the same road, at least.

 

Remember I discussed an emotional issue that I experienced recently where I was compared to a child? Well, we know that which is generally observable to us is nothing more than the tip of the iceberg, and is but a prelude to that which lies beneath the surface.

 

In talking with a trusted friend, someone whom I have come to be able to honestly confide in, we discussed my concerns over the encounter. I did not go into a great deal of detail, but my very perceptive friend filled in the blanks that I did not even outline. Usually when that happens, I know that it is God revealing a message to me through a medium from which he knows I will find the information acceptable. My friend said to me that the other person, who we shall just call "The Alto", may have her eyes set on me as something more than a friend. That would have been fine, and to be honest, if this were 3 years ago I would have considered taking our friendship to that level because I do care very deeply for her. The problem is this is not 3 years ago, and between then and now, I endure the experience of Paula, which forever tainted my perception of all Black Women, and caused me to consider their motives to be suspect.

 

See, the Alto mentioned about how she allowed people to move into her house while they were "Getting On Their Feet", and I - and even indeed my trusted friend did as well - saw that gesture to be an offer from the Alto to move into her house with her. That is what I did with Paula oh 3 years ago, and the end result was my being forced out of her (Paula's) house with nowhere to go, no transportation, and just a few trash bags full of what clothing I could grab as I escaped the emotionally devastation of living within Paula's domain. In short, because of my experience with Paula, I cannot take an offer from any black woman - regardless of credibility - to move into her house. One bad experience just seeded my resolve toward others who may even have my best interest at heart. As I told my trusted friend, I would resign myself to living in a shelter before I consider moving into the house of another black woman ever again.

 

My trusted friend also said to me that the Alto likes me, and is interested in me as more than a friend. Indeed my trusted friend even went as far as suggesting that the Alto may be interested in a relationship with me. Although the Alto is a nice person, I must be honest with myself. At this point in my life I am what many would call damaged goods. I am neither emotionally, nor spiritually prepared for another relationship at this point. To become involved in another relationship would lead to the emotional end of me, and I am not prepared to take that step. The Alto and I have been friends since 1999, so we are talking more than 11 years at this point, and it has been said that the best relationships often begin with a friendship. Under normal circumstances, that would have been sufficient to justify my considering a relationship with the Alto; however, the Paula experience forever sealed the door to that option as well. See, Paula and I became friends in 2000, and we did not escalate to a more interpersonal relationship until 2006. Needless to say, we all know the outcome of that endeavor. Because of the Paula Experience, I cannot even consider opening myself up to the Alto as anything other than merely a friend. That is a shame, because I know that I am most likely losing out on what could be a good thing in life. The Alto comes from a great family, and she is every bit of what her wonderful mother - God Bless The Dead- was in life. The problem is not her, it is me. Because of my experience with Paula, indeed a legacy of emotion pain for me, I have changed my entire perception of interpersonal relationships. At this point in life, I can no longer allow the door to my heart to open for any black woman.

 

Will my perspective change in the future? It has been said that time heal all wounds. Still there are some wounds that are so deep that they actually cut to the bone. Those wounds take much longer to heal, if they ever really heal at all. Perhaps I have suffered what amounts to an emotional amputation, where a portion of my emotional self was cut away for the sake of protecting me from the cancer of emotional pain caused by others. I am not sure if I will ever walk that road again. I have said in the past that I am considering looking beyond the wall of my race in search of a relationship with someone who understands me. Where I was once standing solidly in the center of the fence, I now find that I am leaning heavily to the other side, meaning considering dating outside of my own race. Heck, people of my own race have told me that I act white, so, when in Rome, I guess I should do what the Romans do.

Oh That Man In The Mirror

JULY 24 2010 1910 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I have been doing a little reflecting lately, kind of looking at myself in retrospect as if through the mirror of my life to this point in my life. I know, scary proposition if I do say so myself. Still, I took a deeply inquiring look at myself, and one thing sticks out vividly, as if one thousand stars suddenly increased in brilliance. 

As I looked at myself, I began to realize that I have been living my life not for the sake of myself, but more so on the basis of the opinions of others. In an effort to be accepted, I walked this micro-thin line of being liked, or wanting to be liked.

It is as is everything I do had to, at least from my perspective, meet the approval of those who were around me, otherwise I felt as if I was not liked, and even worst, not accepted. From the time I was a child, seeking my mother's confirmation that I did a good job - whether the job was good or not- all the way into my adult life where I look to my manager to seek his approval of the kind of job I am doing at work. 

In the college marching band I had to prove that - if I were not the best trumpet player - that I was the strongest trumpet player. If I was not the best dancer, then I was the hardest marcher. I was constantly out to prove to others that I was worth something, what ever that something was, when I all really needed to do was prove to myself that I was what I expected myself to be.

As hard as this pill is to swallow, the facts are the facts. In an effort to justify my worth to others, I lost sight of the one person who mattered the most in my life, I lost sight of me. You know, of all the people who walk out of our lives, to allow self to walk out is the greatest tragedy any person can experience in a lifetime.

Now, I know you are wondering why I am discussing this topic. Well, the answer is quite simple. God gave me a spiritual wake up call today. We had a funeral at my church today, and I rushed to arrive at the church by 9:50 AM for a funeral I thought began at 10:00 AM. As fate would have it, the service was actually at 11:00 AM, so I was more than an hour early. I decided to play around on the piano in the choir room. As you may be aware - or perhaps not - but I recently began teaching myself to play piano, and I've felt great about my level of progress. I can hold chords in the left hand and play the melodic lines in the right hand, and to me that is a major accomplishment because for the first time in 45 years I am actually getting the hang of playing the piano. So I sit at the piano, and start to pick out "Oh Danny Boy" which most people know as "He Looked Beyond My Faults" or most recently "You Raised Me Up" (same melody and chord progressions, just different lyrics for each). As I tried to feel the song out, one of the altos, who also arrived early, made a comment that I was murdering the hit, which is to say that I sounded terrible. Of course it was expected for me to sound terrible, after all I am still a beginner on the piano, and it was the first time I attempted that melody. What was funny was that she did not have a comment when I played "Create In Me A Clean Heart" or "Lean On Me" for that matter, both of which were melodies I'd practiced countless times since I began learning the piano. Anyway, we got into a discussion about my abilities, and she compared me to her 8 year old grand son who plays the piano very well. Now to put things into perspective, the 8 year old grand son had been learning how to play piano from the church's minister of music, and he had more than a 2 year head start on me. I just started teaching myself piano less than 2 months ago. Well, this alto thought it would be funny to embarrass me in front of one of the guest soloists by talking about a perceived arrogance. At that point I discovered just how I have matured emotionally.

The older me, from as much as a couple of years ago, would have reacted by withdrawing from that which brings me a great deal of pleasure, music. The older me would have locked on the alto's reference to my inability, taken it personal, and stopped attending choir rehearsal and perhaps church in search of someone who would have accepted me. But I am not that person from a couple of years ago. Indeed I am not the same person I was 6 or even 3 months ago. I recognized that the alto was merely displacing her own short coming by attacking my progress in an attempted to demean me. Crabs in the pot syndrome. It was the clearest indication of all that I had transcended to a level of intelligence which far surpassed that of her's. Now, don't get me wrong, this lady is intelligent, extremely intelligent. She is a great reader, and very studious, and she has all of the articulation of 6 years of post secondary education; however, I am a student of the teachings of people like Howard Gardner, Daniel Goleman, and now Stephen Covey, and I know that there is more to intelligence than mere academic intelligence. When I say that I have transcended to a level of intelligence far beyond that of her's, I was speaking from the perspective of Emotional Intelligence, which is a totally different dimension in intelligence and self awareness. She may destroy me from an academic sense, but she falls short in the realm of emotions.

This alto is a good friend, and one I care deeply about. Because of that, I think I am going to mention the two books - Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman and 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey - to her. I feel it will shed a light to her as to why I am now the way that I am. I also feel it will open up another dimension of who she is to her. Or at least at a minimum I will recommend an E-Book on Emotional Fine Tuning to get her started.

I am amazed at the change I am experiencing, and the knowledge I am gaining form reading into the world of my emotions. I am finding it to be as therapeutic as it is rewarding. Now that I am armed with this knowledge, I am able to realize that it does not matter what others think, God gave me the talent he did when he did, and it is up to me to make the best use of them. I am not hear to please the masses, just the father.

Those Last Words

JULY 23 2010 1920 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Living a solitary lifestyle offers many advantages. There is very little stress, no unreasonable demands, the ability to do what you want, when you want, for as long as you want, and no one is there to judge your actions. Perhaps the greatest of all merits of a solitary lifestyle is the ability to simply think and contemplate life and its overall meaning.

 

You may already be aware that I've been reading a book dealing with the subject of Emotional Intelligence, which was written by Daniel Goleman. The publication was a journey in and of itself, and indeed one that I was desperately in need of taking. Without a doubt, Daniel Goleman's book opened my eyes to aspects about me that I would have not previously considered. The book also prepared me for the book that I am reading now, which is The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, this one written by Stephen Covey.

 

As I did with Daniel Goleman, I am finding Stephen Covey to be deeply insightful, and incredibly thought provoking. As I read chapter 2 of Mr. Covey's book, I happened across a section where he challenged us to visualize our own funeral. Now, don't be alarmed, but when I was in high school more than 25 years ago, I wrote a short story entitled Witnessing My Own Funeral. So, the thought introduced by Mr. Covey was actually something that I touched on earlier in my life, but just not to the extreme that Mr. Covey wanted his readers to visualize.

 

See, Mr. Covey wants his readers to imagine they were sitting on the front pew of the church, looking at their body in the coffin. That I did. Now sitting next to me was my Brother - representing my family -, my Pastor - representing my church-, my manager - representing my work -, my Band Director - representing my education -, and my son Barry who was someone I've never seen before, but he represented my children.  Now, the thing about these people who were sitting next to me, at my funeral, is that one of them is charged with delivering my eulogy. The question is mind is not so much of why were they chosen to deliver the eulogy, as it was what it is I  would want them to say about me in my eulogy.

 

What kind of brother am I? What kind of son was I to my mother and father? What kind of cousin have I been? Could my brothers count on me when the going got rough?

 

What kind of Christian am I? Did I walk the walk of faith, or was I merely on a perpetual journey in the wilderness? Who did I help? Who did I extend Christian charity to? Was my life like that of Christ, or was it like that of Job? Was my living in vain?

 

What kind of worker was I? Could I be counted on? Was I supportive of the cause, or in it for myself? Did I actually earn all that I was paid for?

 

What kind of student was I? Did I stop learning once the books were closed? Did I seek to share that which I learned with those who needed to benefit of my knowledge? Did I do all that I could do the learn all that I could learn in an effort to be all that I could be?

 

What kind of father was I. Could my children say with every degree of confidence that I was there for them physically, spiritually, emotionally? Could my children say that through it all, they are glad that I loved them completely? Was I understanding, or harsh and demanding? Was I the example that my children gladly elected to pattern themselves after?

 

What would I want people to say about me at my funeral? Everybody wants to make a positive impact on the lives of those whom he or she encounters. Indeed I am no different. My desire is a simple one, and that is to leave a lasting legacy of positivity. I am not perfect, and I will not be the one to ever pretend to be; however, I also know with all my heart that I am not a failure in life, despite my numerous short comings. So, what am I doing at this point in my life to ensure that the difference I am making matters?

 

Am I reaching out to be a helper and not a hinder to those whom I encounter in my life?

Am I loving with my actions, instead of falling victim to my emotions?

Am I being a real friend, instead of a fake associate?

 

I could probably go on forever, but the simple truth is no one has forever. The fact of the matter is I, like many before me, am going to die at some point in the future. When that day comes, how will those when knew me eulogize me? On the day of the funeral, it would be a little too late to change the opinions of those who may be tasked with delivering those last words about me.

Preparing To Face Loneliness

JULY 19 2010 2051 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I life I find that I am led to encounter many things as I journey down this long road. Perhaps nothing is greater of an encounter than that of preparing to face loneliness. Just the utter realization that one if completely alone. That is where I am at this point in my life.

I spoke with my daughter today, and she revealed the good news that she was preparing to move in less than a week. Less than 7 days, and my daughter with move to another part of the city. Now I know that should not be such a tragedy to me, if not for one simple fact. Since the day of my break up with my wife, it was my daughter who made sure I would have a place to lay my head down, and a place to call my home. Ok, and there is the aspect of the security of feeling that I developed just knowing that my daughter was walking distance from my apartment. There I could see my grand children anytime I wanted to. I could hang out with my son in law. Yes, I am the father, but with the knowledge of the close proximity of my daughter, well that gave me a secure feeling. They are not moving out of the city, but they are moving to the other side of town, and as a result, I am being left, alone.

The stark reality is that for the first time in 45 years, I am going to be in a position where I am completely and utterly alone. I am going to be honest, it is not the most comforting of feelings. I have been through much in life - from the fire when I was 12 to the near drowning in El Centro, and even to the life or death situations like nearly getting blown  off of the flight deck of the USS Ranger - still, for the first time in my entire life I am left to walk this road completely alone.

Yep, just me. I have distanced myself from my friend and Ex-Lover Yolanda. She is engaged, and she does not need someone like me adding confusion to her situation. I still log onto Facebook, but even that offers precious little solace when I ponder the notion that I am actually, officially lonely.

This is the season of my wilderness experience, and what a dark wilderness it is indeed. I walk, every step an exercise in faith, but still I walk deeper and deeper, and this time alone. I know there is a reason, a purpose, a destiny for me, albeit I am not sure of just what the purpose, reason or destiny are at this particular moment in my life. I just pray that God will open my eyes to what ever it is. I am a mess, a real mess. I've suffered three failed marriages, which means that I am a problem. Even if I do not know what the problem is, I am, no I must be a problem. Now, the questions is how best to fix the problem that is me? A quick fix is not going to do it. I need to completely tear myself down and rebuild from the inside out. What is interesting is that no one seems to be willing to share with me just what it is that is contributing to my short comings, so I am honestly operating on autopilot.

I think if there is any comfort, it is in the knowing that I am not the first person who God has gotten alone. From what I read in the Bible, God gets people alone when he wants their undivided attention. Perhaps it is my turn, and God has something to give to me. Only time will tell. I do know that I said to God that I really don't want to be alone, but never the less, it is not my will, but God's will that must be done. If I am to be alone as part of his divine will for me, then I am ready to be alone. It may be for my own good, but regardless, being alone takes a lot of getting used to.

A Little Bit of This, A Little Bit of That

JULY 8 2010 2132 - JACKSONVILLE FL- Here I am. In solitude, mind wander randomly from thought to thought. Should I log onto Facebook? What about Twitter instead? Perhaps I need to allow my fingers to do the walking on my keyboard, and come up with another song. Everything is just one humongous blob of uncertainty at this point in life.

 

I started reading again, after a multiple year sabbatical, and ironically I elected to choose books from the self-help reference section of the book store, instead of my usual military and political fiction novels. Sorry Tom Clancy, maybe next time. At this moment I am reading a book authored by Daniel Goleman dealing with Emotional Intelligence, and I must admit that I find the book to be rather interesting.

 

I've entertained Howard Gardner's theories on Multiple Intelligence, which touched on things like Musical Intelligence, Inter and Intra-personal Intelligence, Spatial Intelligence, just to name a few. At no time did I read where Howard Gardner dealt, in any degree, with Emotional Intelligence. In fact, it was not until management at work began talking about Emotional Intelligence that I decided I needed to learn a little more about it.

 

Now, have been reading the book for a couple of weeks off and on, and I am discovering a lot about me just by reading the book. Indeed, others fail to understand me because I am in touch with my emphatic nature. So many people believe that a man should not be in touch with his emotions, but I am going to be frank, I am very glad that I am in touch with the emotional side of who I am.

 

The book is an interesting read, and I personally feel everyone should seek to gain a deeper understanding of Emotional Intelligence. Believe me when I say, it is really helping me a lot. I now understand why I chose the actions I did when my Ex-WIfe, and yes, I am calling her my Ex-Wife because honestly the marriage is over. Indeed the marriage was flawed from day one. Anyway, at the times my Ex-Wife attacked me, I would sink into silence, and Daniel Goleman indicated that is a normal action for a man who feels he is being flooded by interpersonal attacks. To say she could have benefited from reading this book, instead of listening to Charlie Robinson, and Peterson President would be an understatement. Well, I can not compel her to do anything she is not willing to do. The only thing I can do is focus on the person who matters the most at this point, and that person is me.

 

A lot is about to happen within the next few weeks. Provided I can get the money together, and the time off from work, she and I have a mediation session in less than 7 days. I will attend, but you all know my stand, especially if you have been following my Blog thus far. At this point, I don't care if I am rendered penniless at the hands of her greedy lawyer, as far as I am concerned, she can have what ever material things make her happy. My life is heading in a different direction now, and I just have to follow the path that life is laying before me.

 

Hard to believe, I am on the brink of a massive defeat, and ironically I am OK with it, I am I am honestly at peace with it. Why worry about that which I cannot change, or that which I am powerless to stop. There are grander things to focus on, better prizes to look forward to. To lean on the logic of Mr. Kahlil Gibran would be for me to see that my pending defeat as merely nothing more than a blessed victory. That is not so hard to see. Satan, Lucifer, Thomas Treece, what ever you want to call him these days may take all of my money, my place to live, my job, my clothes, and my other material goods, but what the Devil cannot take away is my spirit, and my love for God. As long as I have those two things in my life, then I have a victory, indeed a blessed victory. I look at it in this way, Paul was thrown into Prison a few times, but he was not discouraged, because since he encountered Jesus on the road to Damascus, Paul had peace of mind. That is where I am in live. Even if I have to resort to living on the streets, or going home to be with my brothers, I am still blessed. It is not the material things in life that make me happy. Testimony to that fact is this, Paula made sure I would not have a motor vehicle, but God said that I will have transportation. Now through the bus, I have made several new friends, oh the blessings of a fulfilling life, I love it.

 

Come now friends, let's open a dialogue. Feel free to add your comments, but do me a favor, try your best to comment in English if possible. I don't mind translating, but it is easier to carry on a quality conversation when we are all speaking a common language.