Life Sucks Without Transportation

AUGUST 29 2010 1510 JACKSONVILLE FL - I don't care what anyone tries to say, not havinga car when you've become so dependent on one is pure murder.

Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with public transportation, as it does fill a need; however, it is times like these, when I have a dead line to be at a certain venue, and the bus is just not going to cut it for me, that I start to really miss the luxury of having my own transportation.

See, as it stands, I am reduced to relying on the availability of others, and of course this makes me feel as if I am a burden on others. For me, that is less than acceptable. I would much rather have the ability to rely on myself, as I've grown so used to doing.

Still, all things considered, it is my fault. I should have done everything in my power to ensure I would never be without my own transportation, but I instead opted to sacrifice of my own for the sake of the comfort of others. I am perhaps the biggest fool that I know. I now know why a lot of black men take a "Fuck You" attitude when it comes to helping others out. After being jerked around for many years, who can blame them? Yet,here I am, Mr. Glass Half Full, Dr. Silver Lining, the Artist Formerly Know As Common Sense. Yep, I have to be the one who goes against the grain. Instead of taking the road most traveled, I opt to slice through the underbrush of the road least traveled by.

Well, it is not looking as if I am going to make this dead line, so I may as well just go home. Tomorrow is another day, another opportunity to build onto my savings that will eventually yeild me another car, Good Lord Willing. In the mean time, life will just have to keep sucking without transportation.

Briefly Breaking The Funk

AUGUST 14 2010 2147 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I decided that I would do something special for a person who I have neglected for a fairly long period of time. For several months I have focused on the needs of everyone one else, and placed the needs of this person aside, for I felt this person could wait while the needs of the rest of the world - so to speak - were attended to. Yeah, that was a smart idea, and really smart idea, and I say that with extreme sarcasm. So I decided that I would stop taking this person for granted, and do something special today.


Now I am hoping that it should not take a rocket scientist to figure out that the person I am talking about is me. That's right, me, little ole me. Between work and church, and friends, and family, and oh whatever, I - me - have simply put myself on hold. I would come in the house, and go straight to the bed room - my lowly, empty and lonely bed room  - where the only voice to offer me any comfort and escape from the stark reality of my miserable existence is that of Delilah on the radio. Indeed, if not for Delilah, depression would have gotten the best of me. Of course, my Bible and my prayers also help immensely to keep me from drifting into a bout of fatal depression, and as long as I have God in my life, I know I can maintain.


Still, I needed to do something to treat myself today. I am going to be honest, with Student Loans, Child Support, utilities, telephone, and other fiscal obligations, I really don't have any kind of liquidity in my finances; however, I realize that at time a person needs to make a little space in the budget to treat himself, even if it is only something as simple as a movie. That is what I did today, as I decided to go to the Tinseltown Movie Theater and see a movie today. I was not sure of which one until I arrived and ready the marquee.


I elected to see The Other Guys which starred Mark Wallburg and Will Ferrell. I am going to say that I was pleasantly surprised with the movie. After they killed off Samuel L Jackson and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, the movie took on a very interesting life. Mark Wallburg - a cop seeking another chance - and Will Ferrell - a victim of a massive identity crisis - set out to solve what should have been a simple permit issue, but instead ballooned into a major international ponzi scheme. The movie had me laughing in several parts, and I felt it was well directed. All in all, it was well worth the $25 (counting concessions) spent today, and I honestly needed it. I went by myself, no one else in tow, and I had a wonderful time. Best of all is the fact that I was not stuck in the house all day planning a pity party, or something crazy like that.

Fighting loneliness is difficult at best, and I know that there are going to be times when I have to bite the bullet and just deal with it. Still, when the opportunity permits, it is really good to take a pause for the cause, and that cause being me. If I do not take time to show myself some love, in this crazy world in which we live, who else will?

A Tale of Two Me's

AUGUST 5 2010 2333 - JACKSONVILLE FL - An excellent musical talent by the name of Smokey Robinson once recorded a song called Tears of a Clown, which spoke volumes to me, especially in my emotional state. Indeed, it speaks even more so to me in my present state. I guess you can say I am in a Smokey state of mind.

 

 

Each day I get up and I paint on a smile, and begin my day. I wear that smile and pretend that nothing is really bothering me, but deep down inside I know that I am lying to myself and those who are closest to me. At work, I laugh, and smile and play the role of the man who is so in control, when in actuality I am dying on the inside.

 

 

I think is was a gentleman by the name of Kenneth "Baby Face" Edmonds who said it best when he wrote the lyric, "I am dying inside, and nobody knows it but me". So I play the role of the corporate cheerleader, when deep inside I am falling deeper and deeper into a pit of woe. I walk with a bounce in my step when I really feel like dragging my feet.

 

 

There are times when I can be seen looking out the window, and that serves a dual purpose. Through the window I observe the people walking by, the cloudless sky, all of the joys in life. Conversely, as I stand by the window, indeed do I contemplate what I would consider should the window be able to open.

 

 

You know, I have honestly not had a dream in more than 4, maybe 5 months. Now where that may not mean much to you, it is virtually devastating to me. For me, a dream is a ray of hope. With that thought in mind, would not being dreamless indeed make me hopeless? Am I hopeless? Am I useless? What, or who am I?

 

 

So, here we are. Where do I go from hear. I actually entertained a notion of taking a personal pilgrimage, but just where to. Of that, I have not decided. Should I do so, how will I eat? Where will I sleep? How do I make money? Will I need money? Does diet Dr. Pepper actually taste like regular Dr. Pepper? Where's the Beef? Who really knows? I sure don't at this moment. Life can be so complicated.

 

 

Welcome August

AUGUST 1 2010 1738 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Today was interesting to say the least. I went to church as usual, and with this being the first Sunday of the month, today was our Holy Communion Service. Today was also a day on which the Mass Choir Sang, but I withdrew and took my place in the congregation instead. 

The Music Minister was not very happy to see me sitting in the congregation, but I told him that I would speak with him after church to explain what was going on. As it turns out I was not the only choir member in the congregation, as one of our best Altos - not the one who was the fuel for my decision - also sat out the service just as she'd done during our church anniversary.  If that does not speak to an emotional imbalance in the Mass Choir, then I don't know what does. 

I talked with the Minister of Music after service and I communicated my concern to him, you know, the back biting, and the under cover tension, the people who think they are the choir and no one else is. Basically a few crows are trying to keep the Cardinals from adding a little color to this dreary land. I told the Minister of Music that I'd felt that before and it is what caused me to pull away from the choir at that time as well. I also told him that it is causing me not to actively participate by offering suggestions that would otherwise help the entire choir better relate the music. 

The Minister of Music respected my position, but did express his feelings about my value to the choir, which was clearly evident today and the Tenor Section could barely be heard, causing one of the female tenors (an Alto converted to a Tenor) to over compensate and thus throwing the song slightly off key. This was a church choir singing for the congregation, so I am certain that not many in the congregation was able to tell when the Tenor went flat, but I sure heard it. Now, we cannot fault the Female Tenor, for she was doing her best to save the part, but the honest bottom line is when I am in the stands, she - the Female Tenor - is able to sing more naturally because my booming voice pretty much carries the Tenor Section, and that is something that the Minister of Music - in not so many words - conveyed to me today.  

Listen, I do enjoy singing, and I truly love singing as a member of the choir; however, and as I have said before, I Don't Want To Be Where I Am Needed, I Need To Be Where I Am Wanted. If I wanted to deal with Back Stabbers, I would have joined the O'Jays. At this point there is a hand full of people in the choir who feel they can run others down. In many cases they may not do it verbally, goodness knows before he conversation I had with the Alto last week nobody so much as said anything directly to me, but I can read body language, and goodness knows there is a lot of body language when I offer any suggestion in the Mass Choir. That is why I feel it best to just do my thing with the Male Chorus. Guys are generally straight with guys, women on the other hand tend to be a little more underhanded in their activities.

Well enough of that. I arrived home, apartment still hotter than an oven on broil, and I am unable to activate the AC for fear that an electrical short may spark a fire. I've told the leasing office no less than 4 times, and I even emailed the corporate office. Heck, when I paid my rent online today I communicated to the corporate office again that I am not satisfied. I am trying to keep the kid gloves on, but to be honest, they are compelling me to break out the big guns. Trouble is, when I take this next step, my apartments leasing agency is going to do everything in their power to evict me. You know, I am really no stranger to being a sacrificial lamb if it means that the person taking this apartment after me will not have to be subject to the same bullshit that I am being subjected to at this moment. I mean honestly, how many times do I have to tell these retards to change out a circuit breaker? If I hired my own electrician and sent the bill to the leasing company, they would not be very happy with me; however, the summer is only getting hotter and I am suffering more and more every day. I hate to be an ass about it, but they really have my back against a wall, and I am left with no other option than to punch my way out.