Death And Resurrection

FBERUARY 28 2010 1118 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I think I am in the final phase, the one that is called acceptance. At this point, I have already traveled through Anger, Denial, Negotiation, and Sorrow, thus Acceptance is the only one remaining.

 

My marriage is in fact dead. That makes three all together. If this were baseball it would be my third strike, and now I am officially out.

 

I started filling out my response to her petition, and I am the point where it is asking about child custody. This is the hardest part for me to fill out, because I feel as if the talons of an Eagle are ripping into my chest. Maybe that would be for the better, if some large bird of prey just rips my heart out at this point, for then I know I will not feel pain for much longer.

 

You know, part of me wants to fight her on this, just take her butt into court and make her look like the biggest fool in the world. Just chew her up and spit her out and then set my sights on her lawyer. Then the rational side of me say not to. Some battles are best fought without the need to deploy ordnance. I know that to be true, but it does little to right the wrongs.

 

I am just going to allow the divorce to go in her favor, and just give her the child support. From there, I will be out of my son's life, forever. I should not look down, I mean God allowed me to raise my daughter and my older son, and we still have our relationships. No I should not look down, but it is so painful to look up at this moment. It's so hard to say goodbye to something that you love, and yet, here I am doing it again. The pain I experienced when I realized that I had to say goodbye to Julia is now magnified in the knowledge that I have to let my son Ethan go. Well, her lawyer says it is in Ethan's best interest. He has the law degree so he knows best.

 

What will become of me now? I don't know, hard to see the future is. I most likely will get into another relationship, but I am not took keen on getting married again. It is a shame that anyone I meet in the future will have to contend with the fallout from my past. It is really unfair. Perhaps I should not get into any relationships, maybe I should just be, you know, like whatever. Perhaps my best relationships should be with my thoughts. Just invest time in the creative me. Maybe I just need to run away to France, or Scotland, or Ireland and meek out an existence as a pauper, or a hermit. Yeah, that could be it, I need to become reclusive, nothing more than a myth, a legend, an afterthought in this complex world.

 

Or, maybe I just need to die and decrease the surface population by one worthless soul for which no one it remotely concerned about. Yeah, that's it. I think I will contact the government and see if they need a human guinea pig for some experiments. Why the hell not? I mean honestly, what the hell do I have to lose? My kids, the ones who count, are grown now, and they can handle their own. I am also getting burned out with the mundane 9 to 5 daily grind. I need a changed, a switch, a refresh.

 

Ok, so it is settled, no more of this preprogrammed crap that I have grown so accustomed to in life, no more of this just play it safe garbage, time to do things that no one will ever expect me to do. All I can say is may God have mercy on me.

About Today

FEFRUARY 27 2010 2102 - JACKSONVILLE FL - What a day of sorts. I guess that is the best I can say at this moment, just simple What A Day.

 

Let me start by addressing the goodness of strangers. I'd gone to Walgreens to pick up a few supplies for the apartment. Now, normally I would have faced a walk of at least a mile and a half, but a lady who was in the store, who did not know me from Adam, offered a ride. I knew that to be no one but God in action. She did not have to do it, but she did, and as a result I want God to bless her richly.

 

Today was my son's (my oldest son's) birthday, and he is 21 today. So, because he is 21, I took him to Hooters and we bought in his 21st birthday like two men should, with Alcohol and partially dressed women <big ole smile>. I must say my son had a great time, and I began to see some aspects of him I did not know existed. I am glad to see he is blossoming like a flower. I think he is going to be a great man, and that makes me very proud.

 

Why I Love My Kids

FEBRUARY 26 2010 0733 - JACKSONVILLE FL - You know, I really love my kids. I am talking about my grown kids. Honestly, I love them very much.

 

Every night when I arrive home, I have a specific routine. It's not much of a routine, I mean I plug up the laptop, start the TV software, walk to the mail box, come back home , fix something to eat and all just in time for my 8:00 PM shows. The simple pleasures of the life of a single man.

 

Last night my routine was interrupted by a knock on my door just after I arrived home. I open the door and it was my daughter and son, and they were having an argument over much of nothing. Oh yes, it was the teen years part two.

 

So I spent the time acting as a mediator for their dispute, which turned out to be over money of all things. Oh, there was also a little issue about my son seeing some young hoochie with a baby, and of course you know I had to dress him down over that situation. That trick's baby is not his, and he don't need to be paying to take care of it.

 

The good news in the whole situation is the fact that I can multitask pretty well. I was able to watch American Idol, and still mediate between my kids. Everything worked out for all involved. I truly love my kids.

If I Should Die Tonight

FEBRUARY 21 2010 1121 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I am at a point where my creative thoughts are building. I go through these cycles in life, when inspiration hits me and I just have to write, or compose. At these times, it is not so much me in the 1st person, but another person within me who captures my thoughts and creatively phrases them. This one may be a little eerie, it is called:

 

If I Should Die Tonight

 

If I should die tonight, would you miss me? Would you care? Or would I be nothing more than just a passing thought within a gentle breeze whose presence if felt but just a simple moment in time, if I should die tonight.

 

If I should die tonight, will there be tears for me? What will my eulogy be? Will I be yet regarded as just another insignificant entity lost with in the forest of empty thoughts and vacant dreams, if I should die tonight.

 

If I should die tonight, who would even know? Who will look for me? Shall I count the blessings from the Lord above that I even had the opportunity to share in this world of whoa after all, if I should die tonight.

 

If I should die tonight, would it have been my time? Does anyone truly know the time? Or is time to be nothing more than some empty cosmic metaphor once spoke from some tale of lore, if I should die tonight. 

 

If I should die tonight, will my enraptured soul be free? Will I taste the beautiful majesty? Will I in his arms now makes my home accepted finally be where I belong with no valleys left to roam, if I should die tonight.

 

If I should die tonight, will you say goodbye to a pest? Will you account that I did my best? Or will that weight remain on my chest another failure of a test as I close my eyes in eternal rest, if I should die tonight.

--- E. M. Wise 2/21/2010

 

I am not sure what I may have been thinking as these thoughts welled within my mind. They were just thoughts that needed to be written down. I do not find them to be a form of a premonition, or at least I do not believe it to be. Who knows? After all, life is anything but a certainty.

The Call That Came In Tonight

FEBRUARY 18 2010 2322 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I am not going to do a summary of my day, because to be honest, there was not much to talk about today. Hey, do you want me to be honest, or to tell you a lie? I thought you would prefer honesty. Anyway, instead of talking about me, I wanted to share with you a small sample of the intellectual me. This one I have entitled:

 

 

The Call That Came In Tonight

 

 

The call came in tonight, and as if struck but a sudden jolt in the still of the night, he sprang in the action. Alert, ready, focused, and ever determined to answer the alarm, for the call came in tonight.

 

A harsh blast of frigid winter air hit him as the door raised and the siren roared to life. Let there be nothing to stand in his way, for he knew there must be a life he could save, indeed he must save, for the call came in tonight.

 

His grip tightened as his driver maneuvered through a variety of g-forces, pulling his body from left to right and left yet again as if he were in some crazy centrifuge. Yet it mattered not, the ride, for the call came in tonight.

 

In the shallow distance he could see, Oh Lord could it possibly be, as if one thousand hells raged in a single square. Of that he would not care, it was what he lived to dare, I will succeed his silent prayer for the call came in tonight.

 

That's when he thought he heard the scream, within that nightmarish and torturous dream, through a phalanx of flames, smoke and steam. He rushed in before the team, because the call came in tonight.

 

Threw the hellish wall he'd fight, the thick and acidic like smoke robbing him of his precious sight, one million blast furnaces drawing him closer to night, save for an image of radiant light, for the call came in tonight.

 

His friends soon found this brave young man, a tiny toddler clutched close at hand, breathing barely although his rescuer befell a truly different plight. The toddler cried for his hero, for whom the call came in tonight.

 

He was carried out by head and feet, shrouded simply in a white linen sheet, before a crowd of astonished yet ever so grateful onlookers on the street. He watched from just within the light, for it was his call that came in tonight.

 

There are those who say, that on a cool and stilly winter's night, you can still hear the sound of the siren as it roars piercingly in the calm of the night. For that is the sound of the hero rushing towards the call that came in tonight.

-- E M Wise February 18, 2010

 

I hope you enjoyed this spontaneous work. I felt the need to exercise a little creativity with this post, because at times we all need a creative outlet. Good night all.

 

One Painful Step Closer

FEBRUARY 18 2010 0630 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Yesterday I had to take a day off from work because of an unexpected MRI appointment. Well, I cannot say that it was not expected, but I did expect more of a heads up instead of a phone call at 6:30 PM the night before last telling me they were confirming my appointment. But that is what happened, and it is now water under the bridge.

 

I went to the appointment, which was an adventure in and of itself. The facility was located in the Southpoint region of Jacksonville, and I was not at al familiar with that area. I ended up taking 2 buses, and still had to walk about a half of a mile to get to the facility. I can not begin to tell you of what kind of toll that took on my right knee. I am still feeling the pain from all of the walking I had to do yesterday.

 

I was early for the appointment, I think I arrived at about 12:30 PM, but at least the staff was efficient and got me into the MRI right on time at 2:00 PM. It was an open MRI which I was not expecting because the insurance typically only approves closed MRI's if they are approved at all,but it looks like the doctor really knew what he was doing when he requested the MRI. I think they ran somewhere between 8 and 10 exposures, so we will see what the MRI reveals. According to the technician, the images will be ready and forwarded to the doctor within 48 business hours of yesterday, so I should hear something soon.

 

If getting to the facility was fun, getting home was even more of an adventure. The bus was more than an hour late. I am standing at the bus stop, fuming because JTA tends to have a lax attitude about their schedules. I am so miffed that I even took it out on someone who did not deserve my wrath. A man walked up to me at the bus stop and asked for some spare change. In al honesty, I told him that I could not help him. So the man says all he is looking for is a few coins, and I say to him again that I could not help him. Finally the man say that he could ride the bus for a quarter, and I looked extremely sharply at the man and say "Dude! What part of I can't help you are you not fucking understanding?" Ok, I will admit it was a bit rough, but the man walked on. I realized at that point that the recipient of my anger should not have been the man, and that I needed to lay the axe at the root of the right tree.

 

I called JTA and asked them about their Southpoint bus line. The JTA representative told me that the bus was involved in an accident, and that kind of settled me down for a few moments. The bus finally arrived 20 minutes later, packed to the gills. The bus driver tried to apologize to me, but I told him it was OK, I already knew what was going on. I initially sat at the back side seats, but had to move forward due to the need to load a rider with a wheel chair. I sat next to a rather nice lady who basically filled me in on what actually happened to the other bus.

 

From what the lady was saying, the bus was at a stop light, and some impatient individual in a Mercedes ran into the back of the bus. Amazing how the driver of the Mercedes could  not see a big white bus, but this is Duval County. The lady and I talked about American Idol, and what we hoped to see in the Hollywood Results Show yesterday evening. As we talked, another lady joined into the conversation. The other lady rode the bus with me on the way to my appointment, and had overheard me talking with my Daughter on the phone about tax laws. The lady thought that I was a tax professional. No I am not a tax professional, I just know enough to be dangerous when it comes to taxes.

 

Well, before I knew it, we were approaching my stop. I got off the bus and Atlantic Blvd and Kings Road, and went to wait for the SS6 to take me home. Being that I was about 15 minutes early I walked towards Atlantic and Hendricks, again putting extra stress on my knee. When will I ever learn? The bus ride home from that point was uneventful, and I decided to warm up some pizza and an egg-roll and settle down to watch American Idol. Well, I had to get through the Simpsons, Family Guy, and Human Target first, but American Idol was worth the wait.

 

So here I am, ready for work today. I must remind myself that I need to call the lawyer I was referred to so I can discuss my options regarding this pending divorce. Believe me when I say the thought in mind is to just allow the divorce to default and cut my losses. I figure that I will just pay her what ever she asks for in Child Support, and just walk away from the whole experience. Let's see how it all pans out.

Valentines Day Lite

FEBRUARY 15 2010 0647 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Valentines Day was an incredibly interesting day for me, and that is just putting it mildly.

 

The day started slowly, as I slept in until nearly 9:00 AM. Nothing unusual about that, as I have been sleeping longer hours for some unknown reason. I was still struggling with my decision of distancing myself from Paula and her children after the divorce is finalized. I have made my peace with just paying her child support and removing myself from the entire equation. Most of my friends do not agree with that decision, but I feel it the be the right thing to do, as I do not want Ethan to be torn between two extremes. If raising my first two children has taught me anything, it is that stability is important. So, Paula will have all of the rights, and I will not accept any.

 

I went to see a movie yesterday, kind of like a personal treat, as I have not been to see a movie in some time. I decided to see Percy Jackson and The Olympians the Lightning Thief. A Harry Potter style movie, but it was kind of interesting, rather nice story line.

 

After the movie was over, I came home, and my friend Yolanda came over to visit. This is a new friend from Georgia. We watched Avatar and shared a pizza for dinner. We also did a little recon of the Baymeadows area looking for the Art Institute of Jacksonville. We found it, after more than 1 hour worth of searching, but she now knows where it is, and that is important. We came back to the house, and called it a night, because we both knew that we have busy days scheduled for today. Let us see how the day turns out.

Succumbing To A Weapon Of Mass Destruction

FEBUARY 13 2010 1604 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Just when things appeared to be looking up, the ultimate Trojan Horse is deployed to breech the walls of Troy.

 

There was a knock on my door this morning, and when I opened it, I was greeted by a process server. Yes, she filed for divorce, but it gets even worst. I read the contents of the petition, and discovered just how nasty she wants to make this action.

 

In the petition she is seeking majority custody because, as the petition states, it is in the best interest of the minor children. Once again, a complete and utter misrepresentation of the fact, but so mote it be. She is also seeking for me to pay full child support, which would constitute the majority of my monthly pay. Additionally, she is seeking for me to pay child support while the divorce is working its way through the courts, thus ensuring that I will not have the funds to seek my own counsel for advice regarding any of the items outlined in her petition.

 

Basically, she is seeking my financial destruction, which is something else I have come to expect from women like her. I should not have expected anything to the contrary.

 

So I am at a cross roads, as my emotional state if slipping into a deep state of despair. I talked with someone who I knew would lend an empathetic ear, that person being my ex-girlfriend. She had not too long ago traveled the very same road as the one I am not traveling. She has been a great sounding board in the past, and she generally has just the right words of comfort.

 

I did reach out to a lawyer, whom I am waiting to hear from. I plan to talk to a lawyer, but ultimately I feel that I am going to allow the case to default, and let the courts take from me what ever the decide she should have. As much as it will kill me, and I know it surely will, I am going to release my son, who I love very much, but I am going to release him from my heart, and my spirit. I am planning a release ceremony for tonight after dark, well I'd better hold off on that until after I've had the opportunity to speak with the lawyer. That will also give me time to go to God in prayer for his forgiveness, for I do feel that I am all but assure my exclusion from the promised land. At least he will be provided for financially. I will have to answer to God for allowing this blessing, the one I prayed for so many years, to be stolen from me, and I deciding not to engage in battle for it.

And The Doctor Said...

FEBRUARY 12 2010 2200 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Let me open this post by briefly reflecting on yesterday. While at work, a co-worker of mine asked me about the situation with my wife and I. In the eyes of my co-worker, I had to be the one who apologized, even though I knew I was not the one in the wrong. I will admit that I was miffed at my co-worker, but I realized that she was right, and I had to be the bigger person. It was then that I revealed to her that I'd already sent an email to my wife saying that I was sorry for everything. I later sent an email to my co-worker telling her that she was right, and I sent a text message to my wife inviting her to engage in dialog.

 

Well, my wife and I did begin to communicate, albeit strained, via email. Hey it is not the Paris Accords, or the Geneva Convention, but it was an exchange. Kind of like the SALT talks between Reagan and Gorbachav in the 80's. There is still work to do, but it is a start, and that is important.

 

Now, let's talk about today. I went to the doctor to discuss options with my right knee. As I expected, the doctor noticed the calcium deposit which was now clearly visible on the x-ray. Without a doubt, that loose body would have to be removed before it causes even greater damage. So the next phase is an MRI, which the doctor has to obtain an approval for. Hey, just because I work for the insurance company does not mean that I would be entitled to any special privileges. I am subject to the very same requirement as people who do not work for the insurance company. So I await the outcome of the request for MRI approval. If it is approved, and once that procedure is completed, then the next phase will be surgery.

 

I have gone 45 years without requiring major surgery, but as fate would have it, my luck ran out at age 45. Still, with luck it should not be anything too drastic, and I should be able to recover - with the assistance of physical therapy - within a relatively short period of time, I hope.

 

The rest of the day was quiet. After I walked home from the doctor's office in the cold February rain, a trip that was close to 4 miles, I just settled down and surfed the net. So when I say that I have done little close to nothing since 4:00 PM, I mean just that.

 

So here is where I stand, leg permitting...<smile>. OK, seriously, here is where I am. I confirmed the need for surgery, and I await the fateful day. My wife and I are thawing out our little cold war, so I can return the aircraft carriers to port. Interesting how life can be so simple at times, and complicated at others. I guess that is what gives life it's elements of entertainment.

What Abount What I Want?

FEBRUARY 7 2010 1133 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I want to die. Seriously, I said it. I want to die. Ok, I can see the puzzled looks now, the open bewilderment, the pondering ire. I can see it all. You think I am mad (British for Crazy), but I ensure you that I am full control of all of my mental facilities.

 

So why is it that I want to die? Perhaps I should ask you, why shouldn't I want to die? You know, in all honesty, that is the only thing that I want which I am certain I will actually get. Oh yes, that's right. Of everything I have ever shown an interest in wanting or desiring, I do not have much to show for it. Things I have wanted for years as often stolen from me. Things that I want to achieve are typically interrupted for the sake of the appeasement of another person's desires. Hell, I go to McDonald because I want a Big Mac and Fries,and I will be damned if I get my bag and discover once I am miles away from the McDonalds that the bastards did not put the fries in the bag.

 

I wanted to complete my degree, but the lack of dead presidents makes that into an incredibly steep mountain to climb. I want to drive a $50,000 car, but finances seem not to want to line up for me to make that dream a reality.

 

For years I have wanted another child, and in 2008 God finally blessed me with that child. It was a wonderful blessing, until someone became jealous of the relationship I had with my son, and the fact that her pastor said to her that the kids will cling to their fathers. So jealous was this person that she cheated an emotionally and mentally abusive environment so that she can force me out of the picture, and there by steal from me the one thing that I have wanted for more than 16 years.

 

Now the list goes on and one, and it is indeed long and distinguished. Some items on it are as simple as I want to promote on the job, but I miss out because I help other people look good so that they can promote. I want to be happy, but there are people who can not stand me being happy, so they become hell bent on ensuring I will be miserable.

 

Seems that the more I want in life, the more I am obstructed and, or otherwise robbed. So, why should I not simply want to die? I am very darned sure that is one want which can not be obstructed or stolen from me. Well, allow me to qualify that statement. Only God can obstruct me from dying, and only God through Jesus can steal death away from me. According to the Bible, the last people to live longer than 130 years were found in the book of Genesis, and that was a very long time ago.

 

So, because of my certainty that death is inevitable, I can openly declare that I Want To Die, and have every degree of confidence that this time, I will certainly and finally get what I want for a change. Now, who thinks I am crazy?