SEPTEMBER 22 2010 2103 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Well, this is it. The day finally came, and it is all over now. All of the stress, the strain, the heartache, the pain. It is all over now, and the funny thing about it all is I really do not know how I should feel at this point in life.
I keep looking back onto one point in particular, and that point being that I prayed to God for several years to bless me with another child. Now that I have been blessed, I allowed my gift to be taken away from me. Just the same as it was when I was a young boy. Everything that ever made me happy is eventually taken away from me. The blessing that God bestowed on me in the form of the child I waited for so long is no different. With that, I feel that I have failed God, and that truly saddens me. It honestly hurts, far worst than anything else I could ever experience. Still, I am grateful that I can still turn to God in prayer and seek his forgiveness of my shortfall in life. Because I did not intend to fail him, yet, by virtue of the circumstances, I have.
I also look upon the reasoning for my ending up in this situation in my life. To put things quite bluntly, I married my sex buddy. Just being truthful, I mean we were really nothing more than that, but I thought I could make something out of what really was not there to begin with. In that, I feel ashamed that I gave into my weakness and allowed myself to believe in something that should never have been. In the end, the relationship just simply did not exist, and that it totally my fault, for I should not have allowed myself to fall prey to the desires of my flesh. All things considered, we should have remained as we were, nothing more than casual sex, because that was really all we had.
I would say that I am angry, but I cannot be angry at anyone other than me. I was played like a fool because I played the fool. I did not stop to listen to what was going on around me, as I so enjoy telling other people to do. In short, I failed to take my own advise, which was advice that helped other people survive the very thing that I succumbed to. For that, I am really mad at myself, no one else but me.
Then I take a moment to look forward, towards to the future. I have tended to be one who is extremely visionary on my approach to life. Although I see a rough road in my immediate future, it is what lays beyond that road which inspires me the most. No, I am not going to have a whole lot of money to begin with, and indeed I am not going to have anything to offer anyone other than myself, which I know will not be good enough for most. It is but a small price to pay, but I feel will be well worth it in the long run. I am reading more, and learning as I do. Where most people settle for the romance novels and other fictional works of garbage, I am working on educating my mind, my heart, my spirit, and my physical being. I may be down, but I am far from over.
So this is it, yet another one. 1993, 2001 and now 2010. Dare I even consider doing it again? I am not sure. It is not looking as such at this point in time, but I have discovered that some things are not in my sphere of control. Well, that is yet to be determined, but in the mean time, three up, three down. I failed yet again.
