A Few Random Thoughts

JANUARY 23 2010 2032 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Today was a pretty interesting day, considering I did what amounted to absolutely nothing. Well, I can not exactly say that, I was able to get some laundry done, but that was about it.

 

My right knee has been acting up ever since we experienced our bout of freezing  and sub freezing temperatures here in Florida a little more than a week ago. Yes America, as hard as it is to believe, Jacksonville Florida had 20 degree lows and 40 degree highs for a little more than a week. About the only thing we did not get was snow. Mickey Mouse got some flurries, but no snow for Jacksonville. Anyway, those abnormal temperatures aggravated an issue with my knee that had been plaguing me since my teen years. In 2003, a doctor told me that I had a floating calcium deposit in the knee, and mentioned the possible need for surgery, but I passed on the surgical option because I was still actively performing with an HBCU Marching Band at the time. Now, it is back, and more annoying than ever. I have not choice but to consider the surgery now, otherwise I may not be able to walk in a few years. Getting older is really hell.

 

Because of the issues with my knee today, I was pretty much confined to my apartment, as every time I made an attempt to walk, the calcium deposit made its presence known. Even my knee stabilizer is little if any help at all when it comes to preventing the calcium deposit from moving. Such is life I guess, such is life.

 

I watched TV most of the afternoon and evening, and now I am making preparations for bed. I have to spend a little time in the book of Isaiah, which has been giving me hope to cope with my situation. I am not sure if I am just one who is condemned to fail regardless of how hard I try to succeed, or if I suffer from bad Karma. If it is the latter, then I would love to know who I have honestly mistreated so I can make it right with that person. I have come to realize that I am going to be forced to pay Child Support because I held Julia accountable, and I am OK with that bit of Karma; however, I am still at a loss to place my finger on who I may have upset to cause so much other negative Karma in my life.

 

There are many times when I feel as if I am cursed, because everything seems to just blow up in my face. I have no one to talk to, and as such I use this BLOG as my outlet. In truth, I am essentially an island, in the middle of a vacant sea. I've often said that no man is an island. Perhaps I should change that to no man should be an island. Then again, maybe this is how God intends it to be for me. Maybe I am destined to be an islands, a victim of isolation, a lonely soul. Maybe this is all by design. I will never honestly know, as all I can do is just ride it out and pray for that cloud with the silver lining, or that light at the end of the tunnel. In the mean time, I should be grateful that God allows me to wake up and experience life alone, until which time he decides to allow me to encounter another help meet. After all, there were so many people who were not able to wake up this morning, so I am truly blessed, regardless of how things may look. I will continue to trust God and his infinite wisdom. He has not failed me to this point, and I have not reason to believe that he will fail me in the future.

 

 

 

 

Been A Little While, I Am Back

JANUARY 22 2010 2054 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Wow, it has really been a while since I have journalized my thoughts. My heart is extremely heavy tonight, and I needed an outlet for these thoughts, for they are a truly heavy burden on me at this moment.

 

It has been well over two months since I've been allowed to see my son, and I am going to be honest, it is worst than a dagger being driven into my heart. I cry at times, knowing good and well that nobody hears me, hell, nobody really cares. I guess people will never understand the depth of my emotions.

 

Are men supposed to have emotions? What is it that they tend to call a sensitive male? A Punk? A Sissy? A Faggot? It is like there is some unwritten law that says a man can not have emotions, that a man must be a rock. Well, I have news for you all. I cry at time, and I hurt a lot. I am sensitive and if that makes me less of a man in your eyes, then so be it. I can not help the fact that I love my son, and I know I did absolutely nothing to him to deserve the punishment being inflicted on me. Still, here I am, being made to suffer for a crime that I am not guilty of, whatever that crime may be, because I still do not know what it is I did.

 

Each night I endure bouts with depression, as my heart longs to see my son, to hold my son, to laugh with my son. My blessing, stolen from me because of her intrinsic jealousy. Her pastor said something about how children go to their fathers, and because she witness her mother coming between her and her father, she thinks that is the way family is supposed to be. Man, you just pay my bills, and stay away from my children. That is what she thinks, like 85% of black women in America today. Selfish, only out to prove what kind of power they believe they wield. When I man moves from the abuse, then he becomes a target of some feminist vendetta again the anything that is male. Push the man out and then tell the system he abandoned his family. Women, black women in particular are great at that. Grab a knife at a man just because. Scream at the man and tell him that her father will shoot him if he says anything. Make the bed uncomfortable for the man. Poor hot grits on the man. Is it any wonder why black men are now moving on to white women?

 

I put up with a lot of abuse, primarily mental abuse. I was treated as an outsider from the moment we started dating. My opinion did not matter, not in the least. If I had a suggestion, she would pretend that she was listening to it, and once my back was turned she soul call her father or her pastor and ask their advice on the very same subject to which I offered a suggestion. I meant nothing. My sole purpose became that of a bill payer who was only in her house so long as I paid her bills. I was not a husband, but an indentured servant, one step above a meager slave.

 

Quality time did not exist. Her idea of quality time was I watched my son, while she bought her job home. I ask her a question and she mumbles, yet she has the audacity to get upset at me if I was preoccupied and simply did not hear when she asked me a question. In her eyes, it is ok for her to give the silent treatment, but once I take the same approach, then I am the one making life in the house difficult. My name may just as well have been "Boy", because that is all I felt like, she did not allow me to feel like much more than that.

 

What was her weapon of choice? The instrument of her revenge? She pulls my son away from me. No matter how my son tried to come to me, she pulled him away from me. Then she lied by saying that I did not want to go near my son. I fail to see how her telling my son not to go near me, and then pulling him away from me when he sat next to me is my way of saying I don't want to be around him.

 

Abuse, plain and simple abuse. Now that I have distanced myself form her abuse, she involved the State of Florida by seeking Child Support. I can not see my son, but I have got to pay for him. If I knew that Saint Peter would not stop me from entering Heaven, I would kill myself. I have honestly considered it,and to be honest, I am still considering it. Why live a life where I am a constant victim of abuse? What is the point? I guess it does not really matter. I would rather pay the child support and live in a place where I feel I am safe, than to live under her roof being subjected to her abusive ways.

 

It is funny, but in 2005, she'd asked me why I never considered dating her. She asked me what was wrong with her. There was a reason after all. It just did not manifest itself until after we were married. God I wish I'd never broken up with the mother of my adult children. We had our problems, but I have not been able to have any kind of successful relationship since Julia and I broke up in 1992. Perhaps I am doomed to failure in any relationship I become involved in. Hard to say.

 

God I miss my son, and God it hurts really bad. As I pray at night, I sometimes secretly hope that my eyes would not open the next morning. I think God knows that, and yet he still wakes me up. That is hope, and from hope come faith. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen. I can not see God, but there is evidence that he is there walking with me, every step of the way. With that, I believe that the things I hope for will come to pass. Well everything except that whole not waking up the next morning thing. I know I am rambling, but I do miss my son, and at times, rambling is the best way to ease my mind.