Welcome 2010

JANUARY 1 2010 0001 - JACKSONVILLE FL - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

 

Welcome 2010, and all the promise that you have to bring.

 

I have no resolution, just a renewed focus on rediscovering me.

 

The fireworks are in full effect now, and yes I am still wide awake. Wide awake and sober.

 

I pray that God continues to bless my wonderful children Prima and Royce, and that God continues to keep Ethan so that he will be privy to the real truth and not what some may wish for him to accept as the truth.

 

I am not sure of what lays ahead of me on this road, but I am certain that 2010 will be far better than 2009 was to me.

 

So I welcome you with open arms, welcome now, 2010.

Goodbye 2009

DECEMBER 31 2009 2357 - JACKSONVILLE FL- As I lay in my bed, still wide awake, I hear the sound of fireworks in the neighborhoods.

 

We are in the countdown phase. Now less than 2 minutes before 2009 is just another moment in history, and Baby New Year ushers in 2010.

 

2009 was traumatic to say the least. Economy in a shambles, my son was taken from me. What can I say but good by 2009.

Missing My Son

DECEMBER 30 2009 2302 - JACKSONVILLE FL - 2009 is slowly creeping into obscurity, and soon 2010 will be here. You know, today I am not going to do a summary. No, I will not do a run down of how my day went. My spirit is far too vexed for that at this moment in life. Instead, I will talk about what it is that is presently vexing my spirit.

 

I miss my son. Just plain and simply put, I miss my son and it is killing me. I know that I did nothing to him, nor did I do anything to deserve his vindictive mother pulling him away from me the way she did. I lay awake at night not knowing if I should cry, scream, or act out in some overly aggressive manner.

 

I go above and beyond to do for others, only to be the one who is stabbed in the back, and for what? Because I maintain silence to avoid a confrontation? Because I go for walks instead of unleashing the full wrath of my discontent upon some ignorant black female? Because instead of sleeping with an oppressor, I elect to distance myself until I am sure that it is safe to address the situation? Because I am not like most black men, who would have beaten the hell out of the woman in their life in an attempt to exert some primitive form of order in the house? Again I ask, what did I do to deserve my son to be pulled away from me? Someone help me to understand this warped piece of South Carolinian logic, because I am going to be honest, I am at a loss to understand what it is that I did so wrong?

 

You know, people world see a man crying and look at him as if he is weak; however, they fail to realize that it takes more strength for a man to cry than it does for a man to fain as if he has no emotions. Here is a news flash, I am a human being. I feel, I hurt, I fall victim to the same frailties as most women.

 

I miss my son, and I miss him badly. He did nothing to me, and I did nothing to him. I simply would not allow myself to fall victim to a mentally abusive, controlling and vindictively spiteful woman, who was jealous of the relationship I had with my son.

 

I do not know if I will ever be allowed to interact with my son ever again. As a result, I continue to do what it is I have become accustomed to doing and that is asking God to bless and keep him in my absence. Should I never see him again, should I close my eyes that final and fateful time, I only wish my son to be privy to the truth that I love him very much, and I thank God for blessing me with him for the brief moment he did.

A Special Dedication

DECEMBER 24 2009 2046 - JACKSONVILLE FL - I know it has been a couple of days, and to be honest, I am not going to write a summary as I have grown so accustomed to doing. What I am going to do tonight is pen a very special dedication, to a very special person whom I love very much.

 

How can I tell you? What can I say?

How can I explain what drove me away?

My spirit is sad, and my heart is long,

But you have not done anything wrong.

I pray each night that you will be blessed and kept,

Though I can not tell you how often I've wept.

Each night my pillows lay soaked with tears,

While my cries of your name fall short of your ears.

This is something neither of us could have planned,

Still it happened, now I wonder if I will ever see you again.

There will be many things about me they will say to you,

If only I could have a way to tell you the truth.

Should I never get the chance to say all I want to you,

Please know within your heart that I will always love you.

 

Marry Christmas Mouse, I really love and miss you very much.

 

 

Play Time Over, Back To The Grind

DECEMBER 21 2009 2040 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Not a bad day for a Monday, especially being the first day back to work after my winter break. Like I said, I can not call it a vacation, because I really did not go any place notable.

 

I arrived at work this morning and had to clean up a bunch of junk email. Once I weeded through the fluff, I was able to get down to the real meat and potatoes and even that was not a whole lot. To be honest, the day felt rather slow, but I know that could all change tomorrow.

 

I guess the bast way to sum my day up would be to say it was just ok. Nothing to stressful, nothing too restful, just an ok kind of day. One of my coworkers had a couple of tickets to Sherlock Holmes he was trying to get rid of, I told him I would take them, but hell, I don't have anyone to go to the movies with, so what's the point.

 

Believe it or not, I am not in a funk, I am just in my "screw it, just be real" mode. I get into this kind of mode every now and then, just one of those quirky little aspects of me.

 

I am sitting at my daughter's house, watching my oldest grandson work his magic on Guitar Hero. The kid is pretty good, better than I will ever be on it, and I am a musician.  I did get a chance to respond to an email from my Ex-Wife. Yes, I said Ex-Wife, I have been married more than once. Anyway, my Ex-Wife was giving me words of encouragement, which is something I needed badly. She has always been good at knowing the right thing to say to pick people up when they are down. Shame I was too young in the mind to see that when I had it. Sometimes I wonder if God actually intended me to be alone. Well, only God knows that for sure. As for me, I just go with the flow.

Best Sleep In A While

DECEMBER 20 2009 1046 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Man, talk about a good night's sleep! You know what, let me build up to the reason why I made that declaration.

 

Yesterday, after sitting over at my daughter's apartment waiting for my son to arrive and help me move the mattress set up stairs into my bedroom, I decided to just do the job myself. In all honesty, it was not nearly as hard as I expected to be. Once I found the center of gravity, and positioned the mattress and the box spring (separately of course) in the bend of my right arm, I was able to zip both pieces up the stairs with ease.

 

I wanted to ensure that there were no problems with germs and things like that, so I sprayed both the mattress and box spring down with Lysol, and allowed them to dry. Afterwards I deflated the air mattress that had been my bed since November 24th, and I placed it into the 2nd bedroom. I laid the mattress and box spring in the spot that had previously been occupied by the air mattress and I placed my sheets on the new set.

 

Like I said before, I do not presently have a bed frame to put them mattress and box spring on, so they are resting on the floor at this moment. That really did not matter because for the first time in nearly a month, I have something that looks like a bed in my bed room. God has been so good to me.

 

I fixed myself a little dinner, which was actually a bowl of Raman Noodles. Shades of my early days in the Navy. Afterwards, I surfed the net until it was time for the football game. Dallas Cowboys played the New Orleans Saints in New Orleans. It was a good game, but in the end, New Orleans fell from the ranks of the unbeaten as Dallas won the game 24 to 17. Honestly, it was the Saints faults all the way. The Saints became so dependent of their 4th Quarter Magic that they did not take into account that teams like Dallas are used to crushing teams who fail to bring their A-Game early. Saints are still in the playoffs and I believe they have home field advantage. Dallas is looking like the team who will take the NFC East, unless Philadelphia plays a magical game today.

 

After surfing the net and watching the game on NFL.com, I went to my bedroom and sent a text message to my ex-girlfriend, and we chatted back and forth for a few minutes. I finally laid down and went to sleep at 12:30 AM. I did not wake up until 8:30 AM, which by the way is the longest I have slept in more than a month. Man! Talk about a good night's sleep! I felt totally refreshed this morning. To be a used mattress set, the thing was very comfortable. It was also nice and roomy. Just what I needed. Like I have said before, It May Not Be Much, But It Is Something I Can Call Mine. Blessings come in many forms, and I am happy that God Blessed me with that mattress set. I will need to go by Nationwide, but I am going to modify my layaway. I need a bed frame, headboard, dresser, and night stand. For the living room, I need tables, lamps and a TV. I also need a dining table, and my little crib will have the basic creature comforts. One piece at a time. One piece at a time.

My Little Apartment Is Coming Together

DECEMBER 19 2009 0743 - JACKSONVILLE FL - To say that God is good would be a true understatement, simply because God shows us every day just how good he really is.

 

Yesterday, as I ate my breakfast, and stared into my empty living room for the last time, I spoke and proclaimed that by the end of the weekend, I will have some furniture in my living room, and a real mattress set so I can stop sleeping on the air mattress. I openly declared that, before I even knew whether or not my declaration would be backed up by factual actions. Here is where waiting on the Lord comes in.

 

After breakfast, I went into my bedroom and surfed the Internet. I happened across an ad on Craigslist where a couple was selling a Sofa and Oversized chair set for $100, and they were willing to deliver it. I wasted no time in contacting the couple, who happen to be from North Carolina originally, and they delivered the living room furniture. All pieces recline, and the furniture is awesomely comfortable. To be honest, Nationwide furniture wanted to charge me $599 for a set that looks like this one, but of poorer quality. Instead, I got a 2nd hand set, better quality for $499 less than what Nationwide wanted. That is not all.

 

My Ex-girlfriend, who has become a real friend in these trying times for me, came by to have lunch and chat for a while. Ok, there you go with your mind in the gutter again. Ok, leave it there. Anyway, let's just say that lunch was very enjoyable. Prior to her arriving, I'd called this other ad on Craigslist for a place selling used furniture. They had a queen sized mattress set for $95, and they delivered for an extra $25. Sure, it is used, the box spring does not match the mattress, and there are a few cosmetic flaws. My mother raised me to know how to be a home maker. No fools, I am not gay, I just know how to make things look nice in the house, and I learned that from my mother. On any account, the mattress set was delivered at about 7:20 PM yesterday. It was a little damp because of the rain during the delivery process, but still I have it. No bed frame, just the mattress and box spring, but still I am able to get off of the air mattress.

 

In summary, my friends, I am saying that for $250 I was able to get furniture for the living room and a  mattress set, and it is all because God is in the blessing business. In time I will be able to get something newer, but for now, I thank God for meeting my needs and giving me to eye to keep my needs within my budget. My apartment is starting to feel more like a home, and the best part of it all is the fact that what I have, is mine, and no one, other than God who gave it, can take it away from me. Now I need a dining table, a dresser, some real plates, and baking pans. It is all a step be step process, but I am happy to know that I am now walking this road alone.

Heard You MIssed Me, Well I'm Back

DECEMBER 18 2009 0851 - JACKSONVILLE FL - Wow, it honestly seems like ages since I have postrted to this blog. My computer crashed a few weeks ago, and I had to wait for funds to become available to bring it back into service. Not only have I bought it back into service, but I made it better.

 

So, what has been going on with me over the course of the past few weeks? Much. In fact, so much that it is difficult to summarize everything that has occurred.

 

I did not get to do the cruise that I scheduled, so that was a $600 loss. I went through a period of depression over it, because I really wanted to go on that cruise, but I realized that God has something better for me in the future, so I must wait on the Lord and allow him to renew my strength.

 

I still do not have furniture, but I have a couple of leads, so it is very likely that I will have a real bed before the end of this weekend. Nothing against the air mattress, but it kind of gets old after a while. I did find a way to make it firm, so I am able to get a semi-comfortable rest at night. I have a lead on a mattress set for $200, and there are a couple of others for a little less than that. I am just playing it by ear for now.

 

I saw a sofa on Craigslist for $60 which looks pretty nice, to be second, possibly 3rd hand, but still, I am not looking for anything flashy, I am just trying to turn this apartment into a little home. If I have to get my furniture one piece at a time, I'd rather, because then I can honestly call what I have mine.

 

I don't have a lot of money to spend on Christmas this year, and that is disappointing, but God has been blessing me, so I am going to continue to trust him and his wise judgement. He, God that is, has not removed me from the Earth yet, so I know that means he is not done with me yet. There are still things that I must accomplish before God is ready for me. Even though there are time I just wish I were dead, God is in control, and all I can do is order my steps to what he wants.

 

Speaking of faith, I recently decided to re-read the book of Isaiah. I read the entire book twice before when I was younger, but I am older now, and I usually get a new interpretation as I read the books of the Bible at various phases in my life. Why did the people of his time fail to listen to him? Everything that came from the mouth of Isaiah laid the foundation for what became the New Testament. Oh well, who really knows.

 

So, what's in my future? Not really sure. I am not certain if my present employment will be a part of my future, or if I will return  after this time off (I can not call it a vacation, because I sure did not feel vacationy) only to be advised that my services are no longer needed. Am I a little overly cynical? Yes, I am, but I can find no other way to be. Life for me is a series of "What now" events, and I just go with the flow. I guess that is just the way the ball bounces.

Darn! December Already

DECEMBER 1 2009 2012 - JACKSONVILLE FL -Wow, can you believe we are already into the month of December? This year has slipped away so quickly.

 

Second day back at work. Nothing too eventful, or too notable. I rode the bus this morning, and yes I did catch the correct bus. The ride was not bad, and actually did not take that long at all. The walk from the main gate to building 800 was refreshing, and soothing.

 

Phones were still a little crazy. In fact, my second call of the day was an agent who was pissed off at another Service Advocate. Of course that Service Advocate did not want to take the call, so I ended up absorbing the brunt of the Agent's frustration. That really pissed me off. When all was said and done, I involved my manager, because I know me, I would have ripped into that Service Advocate and ended up losing my job. Can't afford that, not at this time in my life.

 

When I arrived home from work, and checked the mail, I discovered an envelope from a lawyer in Maryland, which could only mean one thing, and there is way, a legal action against the family house in Washington DC. Now you know me, and for those who don't, I called my older brother and took a bite out of him. I told him that he needs to call who or what ever and find out what is going on. If I have to make the call, the person on the other end of the line is not going to like what they get. I am a real asshole when it comes to dealing with legal matters. I have to be that way, because I can not allow some over educated stuffed shirt to push his or her weight around on me. I may lose the battle, but guaranteed they will suffer enough scars that they will think long and hard before engaging me again. Yes, I will admit, I can be a real bastard at times.

 

We will see what my brother is able to accomplish before I have to unleash the hounds.